Thursday, September 22, 2011

It's been on my mind

Something happened last week that has been heavy on my mind.  I was at the doctors office and the "nurse" who was helping me was very nice.  She asked me all the right questions, etc. and when I mentioned my CFS and fibro, she said, "Oh, I have that too.  But I refuse to let it destroy my life.  I just push through it and take meds for the pain.  I get really tired, but just move on."  And she left the room.

I was sitting there with my thoughts swirling a million miles an hour.  Why can't I do that?  Why is she different?  What is wrong with me?  Am I lazy?  Have I given up?  Do I give into my symptoms too easily? 

It's been haunting me all week.  I felt as though I'd been slapped in the face.  That my illness was an excuse.  That I could be well if I just wanted to be.  And my doc has the same attitude I do believe.  (Yes, I'm looking for a new one).

Where does that leave me?  Why are some of us so ill and others able to function "normally" with it?  Do I just need to push harder?  Pretend that I am not ill?  Pretend that I can?  I have done that and it has always led to a severe crash.  Sometimes lasting years. 

I'm not feeling sorry for myself.  I am just confused.  I want to be well.  I desire to be well.  I have black berries, plums, and tomatoes to pick.  I watch them ripen and fall to the ground.  Others wonder why I didnt plant a big garden this year?  Well, I couldnt.  And in the past, my daughter and family were here to do most of hte work.  They have moved and that is no longer a possiblility.  People say things like "if I had all that space, I would plant a big garden".  Well, come on over and do it.  Gardens are a lot of work.  I love fresh produce, but am simply not able to get it on my own most of the time.  Once in a while I can pick a few berries or get a few tomatoes off the vines. 

How do you handle these kinds of situations?  I'm feeling very fragile right now.  My hubby is not very well, and my brother needs a heart transplant.  We are still waiting to hear about the road/bridge project that may impact our home, and yes, I'm stressed out.  I KNOW GOD will take care of us, its just the getting there that has me wondering... can I keep up my strength long enough to get thru this all?  I have set priorities and have let so many other things go over the years.  A clean house means huge set backs.  So... its dusty and the floor needs scrubbed.  But I talked with family on the phone, hugged my gkids, and pray, pray pray!

Thanks for listening.

God bless,


Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Wonderful news

Rob's angiogram found nothing that needed to be fixed!  Docs said that the stress test was a false positive.  We say its a miracle from God!

My brother however, didn't get good news.  He is not a candidate for a transplant at this time.  Praying the new meds will work, that he will live long enough for it to work, and that the right heart will be waiting for him when he's ready!

So much hurt in this world.  So much pain.  And such a wonderful God we have!  Sometimes the blessings are in the pain.  And sometimes there is just the pain (from our vantage point).  But God sees the big pix, the whole plan, the wonder of life.  And He will carry us through.  He will love us enough to help us even when we can't possibly see what is good.  He will.  He will.  He does.  Praise God.


Monday, September 5, 2011

A Wild Week

This has been one of those weeks one would not like to repeat.  A week ago today my husband Rob had his cardiac test results apt.  He had flunked his tests.  He will have an angiogram tomorrow and they expect to do bi pass surgery.  His blockages are front and back and top and bottom according to the stress test.  He's not quite 54. 

My oldest brother who had a massive heart attack 10 years ago is facing heart failure now.  They are on their way from MT to Salt Lake for an evaluation for a transplant.  His testing starts tomorrow also. 

A great niece whom we almost adopted about 8 years ago has been placed in a psyc hospital.  She and her sister are being raised by their gma.  The courts decided that she was a better fit for the girls and she was a closer relative..... We were so disappointed and hurt for the girls.  Their lives have been so hard.  But with my health, I am sure it was better for us.  But not for them:(

My surgeon had to have surgery himself so my knee replacement wont be until December sometime... poor guy!

But some great things happened too.  We were able to visit our friend who had a brain tumor removed a month ago.  He's struggling but is in recovery.  Still praying for him. 

And yesterday was the best day of the week!  We rode with our other two kids and gkids two hours away to visit our youngest son and family.  Their little boy will be two tomorrow.  So we had a big BD party and visited and had a fantastic day!!!!!!! 

On the way home we were close enough to one of the forest fires to see the flames and the helicopters.  One of the campgrounds that we used to serve was evacuated day before yesterday and the road closed!  It was incredible and terrifying all at the same time.  In the 4 years we were in the woods, we only had one tiny fire that close and it was put out quickly. 

It's hot here now.  we aer in the 90's daily and may hit 100's later this week.  First week of school too.  Poor kids!  Most of our schools don't have AC at all. 

I would appreciate good thoughts and prayers sent our way if you would.  Things are so overwhelming right now.  But I know God is in control and am doing my best to trust in HIM! 

Blessings to you all,