Seeking

What is it about this time of year that makes me so restless?  I am looking forward to spring, but wishing for snow.  It's very warm for this time of year and already trees and plants are starting to bud out.  I am hoping they don't get their little noses chopped off with a hard freeze later... it was 60 degrees day before yesterday and 55 yesterday.  But it was 35 last night.

I wonder if some of the restlessness is coming from memories?  My husband, Rob's, dad died a year ago on Valentine's day.  We had cared for him for 1 1/2 years.  We lived at his house for about a year and then he moved in with us and died here at home.  We had wonderful help from Hospice and could never have done it without them.  I miss him.  And I worry about Rob and his memories.  Will they trigger an increase of his bi-polar depression?  It's so hard to cope with it.  There is so little I can do to help him.  He's already nervous about his surgery on the 2nd for a torn rotator cuff. 


We are cooking and freezing meals ahead so they stress of preparing food will be less for me.  He does most of the cooking, but will be unable to for a while after surgery.  We have to make most of our own food from scratch anyway, so its good to have some ahead.  We make some really great white chili.  We are also making red chili, taco filling, and spaghetti sauce.  It all freezes well.  We do eat lots of legumes:)  We both enjoy them.

I have found that with the increased stress, I'm sleeping less.  I am tired, but wake and can't go back to sleep.  I'm having more trouble going to sleep also.  I am trying very hard to pace myself and rest often.  The underlying anxiety is still there though... I'm crabby and have a hard time being kind.  Ergggg... And I seem to be continually searching, seeking, looking for something that I can't seem to put my hands on.  

So, I go back.  Back to where I know I'm safe and loved.  Back to Jesus who loves me and helps me.  I hold onto Him and in turn, He holds onto me.  It's a wonderful place to be.  Safe in the arms of Jesus.

He has led me to you all and what a blessing that is!  Thank you for sharing your lives with others and in doing so, blessing so many.  I gain strength,   knowledge, and hope from your words. 

Blessings to you all,
Elaine

Yesterday's News

Yesterday was simply a good day.  I had less pain, little brain fog, and more energy than I'd had in a long time.  And last evening, we found out that our youngest son got a job!  He's been out of work for many months he was getting discouraged.  Praying this job will be a good one for him and that things will fall into place for them.  He has a lovely wife and an adorable little boy.  They live the farthest from us so we don't get to see them as often as we would like.  Yes, yesterday was a good day.

Today is a good one too.  I don't have near the energy as yesterday and have more pain, but overall its a good day.  Two of our grandsons are here playing the WII and I love having them in the house.  They are so easy to have around.  And I smile more when they are here.

We have a new squirrel outside today.  A gray one.  Usually we just have the brownish red ones.  It was so cute trying to hang onto the bird feeder and eat.  It must have been really hungry because it ate for over an hour.  Our poor big dog was sitting at the sliding glass door and drooling.... he wants to eat them so badly:)  The birds don't seem to mind the squirrels and we have a feeder for the squirrels, but the birds eat out of it and visa versa.  I love watching the animals.  We have a tiny yard, but it looks over farm land.  On occasion we see deer and coyotes.  There is an occasional bob cat sighting and a few years ago the neighbor saw a bear.  I've never seen one tho. 

I have been working jig saw puzzles on my computer lately and find that quite relaxing.  Rob installed the program for me when we lived in our 5th wheel while working for the recreation company due to lack of room.  It works well here at home too.  No mess for kids and dogs to get into.

I'm also reading more again.  Right now I'm reading Jane Kirkpatrick's "A Land of Sheltered Promise".  If you have not read any of her work, you are missing out:)  She is a tremendous author.  I've met her several times and she came to see my Mom to get some info about a book.  She is such a real person.  She has a web site : jane@jkbooks.com

Thanks for letting me share my day with you today.

Blessings and prayers to you,

Elaine

What a difference a day can make

The terrible restlessness is gone!  Praise God!  I have no real idea what "caused" it, but this morning it was gone.  I am so very thankful.

Rob went to see his surgeon on Tuesday and they scheduled his shoulder surgery for early February.  That will be interesting, since he does all the driving right now.... He will have to go several times a week for therapy.  Its only about 7 miles to the town where he can get it. His rotator cuff is torn in three places.  Hoping and praying this will give him some much needed relief.  And praying for strength to help him however I need to.

It hasn't rained yet today.  It's on its way, but not here yet.  Hopefully it will be dark when it arrives...I can shut it out that way:)

It's cold though, about 37.  I did go outside for a bit today and it felt so great.  The dogs enjoyed being outside too.  I think they are suffering from cabin fever too.

This has served to remind me that when the dark days come, I need to hang on and know that God sees me and loves me just like He does on the days I "feel" loved.  My anxiety, pain, and fatigue don't separate me from Him.  He stays the same!  Sometimes I can't believe He loves me.  I feel so unworthy.  But He is faithful and just and I trust Him.  I know that He is my Lord and my saviour and that He loves me.  It's me that has trouble wrapping my head around that fact.  My humanity shows it's ugly head and I start to doubt me... I start to think about all the "things" I can't do for Him that I want to.  But I stop those thoughts and focus on Him and all that He is to me.  He fills me up and gives me hope. 

Today He sent me a tangible gift.  I found a radio I'd forgotten about so I can fill my house will Christian music.  I immediately felt His presence.  Music worship is one of the ways I connect best with Him.  I'd been missing it, but simply had forgotten about the radio.  He knew the day I needed it the most.  And He provided.  Wonderful reassurance of His Grace and Goodness.

What did God do for you today?  I think if we look, we will see His work in our lives each and every day.  That is something I am going to spend more time focusing on.

God Bless You Today,

Elaine

At Loose Ends

One of those days.... not enough energy to "do" anything constructive, but all sorts of energy to worry, fidget, and just generally be antsy.  Too distracted to read or play games, or work a puzzle.  Simply not able to focus on anything.  Too weary to do laundry or dust.  Too antsy to sit still, but getting up is so painful... erggggg this is not like me.  I'm seldom restless like this.

I don't remember having a day like this.  I'm sure I have though.  Does it mean I'm doing better?  I sure hope and pray it does. I do NOT like this feeling at all.  I actually want to pace around.  Maybe it's just the winter blues?  We've had so much rain lately and everything is so wet and muddy.  The dogs are mud balls when they go outside.  But it is supposed to be on a drying trend, so maybe we will see some sunshine soon:)

I have so much to be thankful for.  My house is dry and warm.  My family loves me.  Our community did not get hit with flooding.  I have all the comforts that I need and want.  I have my Lord who loves me always.  Why then am I feeling like this?

Do you ever have days like this?  How do you handle them?  I would love some words of wisdom from you today!

Blessings to you all,

Elaine

Good news

Finally some good news to go along with everything else... I found out that my INS will cover some testing my specialist wants done.  It's for blood coagulation defects, which could be hereditarily and or illness induced. I will get the testing done as soon as we can make the arrangements.  The samples have to be shipped to a lab out of state.  Hoping and praying that we can rule this in or out once and for all.  My specialist has suspected this for a couple of years, but INS would never cover the tests. 

I tend to not heal well after surgery, bug bites, scratches, etc..... he thinks this is related to the blood coagulation problem.  I have two sisters and they both have chest pain (another symptom of possible defect) like I have "for no good reason".  Our hearts are in good shape!  So.... this would be a huge blessing if we could get it found and treated.  Not just for me, but for both my sisters as well.

I love having good news to share!

God Bless and Keep You All Today,

Elaine

Missed appointments

I tried.  Oh how I tried... I just could not make my apt yesterday.  I got up, made it to the living room, back to the bedroom and knew.  I simply couldn't do it.  No strength, no energy, no way.  So, I called and cancelled.  I went back to bed and slept another 4 hours.  Felt a bit better, but not much.  Erggggggg.

I hate it when that happens.  I wanted to go, planned to go, and poof, couldn't do it.

Ever have those days?  I have gotten to the point of not making commitments because I never know how I will feel.  Some people understand and some don't.  Sometimes I think if I hear "you don't look sick" one more time I will scream until I have no voice left.  Of course I won't really do that because it takes too much energy. 

I've become an energy saver.  Always thinking about how I can conserve energy and still function.  I try to make one trip out of one room into another with everything I might want or need.  Of course that takes planning and with brain fog like mine, that is a joke too:)  I also have ADD, so that adds to the problem of organization.  I can't tollerate the meds for it, so I just have to make do.  I was diagnosed last summer.  I had always known I was "different" and had to work extra hard to keep up with everything.  It was a relief to know there was a real reason and not just a lack in me.

How do you save energy?  What works for you?  How do you cope when you just "can't"?  I am always interested in what works for others?  I rest, sleep, pray, watch TV, read when I can, and rely on my husband Rob to help me.  Two of our children live close by, but they all work and are super busy.  They help when they can though, and always if I ask.  I also keep talking to a minimum.  It wears on me when I'm down.  There are times when breathing is an effort.  Anyone else ever feel that way?

I also try not to waste my energy on negative feelings.  I have discovered that it takes a lot of energy to be angry or sad.  I try really hard to just not go there.  Or if I do, not to stay there very long.  That helps me too.

This has all made me more dependent on Jesus.  He helps me make it through the days and nights.  He is with me and loves me no matter what.  What a comfort that is!

I hope you are having a great day today.

Blessings,
Elaine

It's Monday

Now what?  Another week ahead.  Two doctors apts this week.... Freezing rain predicted for Tues. and Wed.... but who knows?  Could be snow, sleet, freezing rain, or just plain old rain.  Rain is what we usually get around here..... I love the snow and lived 4 years where it did indeed snow!  The first winter we had 3 feet drop in two days.  It was an amazing introduction to living in the snow! 

Those were interesting years.  My husband Rob, worked for a recreation company and he did campground work in the summer and helped run the kitchen at the ski resort in the winter.  It was FUN!  I rode along in the summer and we met so many wonderful people.  Some we are still in contact with.  In the winter we lived in our RV in a park near the ski resort.  So we had utilities in the winter.  Right across the road was all forest and had great walking paths.  Of course one needed to pay attention as there were cougars, bears, deer, and all sorts of other wildlife.  The deer were so pretty and walked right past our trailer daily.  I could sit inside and watch the wildlife, the trees, the snow, and loved it.  We had a cat then and she would sit on my lap or near my head and watch too.. when the deer were really close, she would sit and her tail would swish as she watched.  Rob shoveled snow every AM and PM so if I wanted to go out, I had a path to follow.  It felt like paradise.

The summers were intersting too.  We lived 3 summers in a campground with no utilities except water and that only worked part of the time.  Interesting though, I felt better there than I had in years anywhere else.  Some one asked me once if I had make any connection to my illness with electricity?  Made me wonder.... I have no idea how electricity could be connected. ( Although in the winter the static electricity was so bad that I actually shorted out our phone!) I had the energy to walk and I did.  I often spent hours picking up garbage campers had left in campsites.  It was a wonderful time.  Time where I didn't have to think and could pray, reflect, and simply enjoy my surroundings.  A time to remember and hang onto now that I'm not nearly so "well". 

It reminds me of something my Mom always said to me.  "This too shall pass".  I hang onto those words, knowing that she knew full well what they meant.  My oldest brother (whom I never met) was killed in a swimming accident on our creek the summer before I was born.  She knew the full meaning of suffering.     And even when she fell and hit her head, she was still walking on her own.  She had a brain bleed and because of her CLL, they couldnt stop the bleeding.  They tried and she did so well after her surgery.  It was a hard blow to know that the bleeding wouldnt stop. She and I were very good friends and I miss her still.  It will be 2 years in April since she died.  She was 93.  Rob and I had lived next door to my parents for 23 years and had taken care of them until we went into the campgrounds.  Our daughter and son in law moved in with them and that allowed us to do some new things.  Dad died in 1998.

Suffering takes on different personalities.  But suffer we do.  Some have  physical problems, others have family issues that take my breath away, some are so locked away mentally that they are in a place of their own, some have things in their lives that I can't fathom.   When I look around, I am thankful that I have my kind of suffering.  Thankful!  I can't imagine going through some of what I see around me.  I do what I can to help others and usually it is prayer.  I can "do" so little else.  Prayer is vital and I am thankful both for the prayers said on my behalf and those I say for others.

Perhaps today, as we come together, we can take a moment and think of someone we know who is suffering and offer up a prayer for them.

Blessings to you today,

Elaine

A New Day

Hello to you all today.

I love knowing that each day we have the opportunity to start again.  It's such a gift.  I never know what is ahead and I like it that way.  I think I would give up if I knew ahead of time.....

This has been one of the longest stretches of pain and fatigue I've had in a long time.  The Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue are fighting me hard.  But I've been able to rest and my dear husband, Rob, is doing his best to take care of me.  I'm getting better at asking him for what I need.  For so long I hesitated to ask... pride is an ugly thing!

He has his own problems.  He has heart trouble and has a torn rotator cuff (in three places) on his shoulder and is bi-polar.  Some days its like the blind leading the blind at our house.  We are trying to find peace in our midst. 

We have great kids and they are very supportive and that helps too.  And we have our faith.  We couldn't make it through this without God almighty on our side!

I found an article today written by Christine Miserandino.  Its called "The Spoon Theory".  I had never read it before.  I really liked the way she explained her illness.  Here is a link to the site:  http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory-written-by-christine-miserandino/.  The only thing I would add to it is that somedays, I start out with no spoons and have nothing to spend.  These are the days I lean even harder on Jesus and rely on Him completely.  I take Him at His word that He will be with me always.  These moments are a precious balm to a wounded body and soul.

I hope and pray that today has been a good one for you and that you will find peace in Jesus.

Blessings to you,

Elaine

The Desire of the Afflicted

Oh, how I needed those words today.  Psalm 10 vs 17."You hear, oh Lord, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry."

I needed to be reminded that the Lord hears me when I cry!  When it seems I cry out and no one is there, He is there and hears me.  I am so comforted by that.  I pray you will be too.

Just when I think I have quit questioning "why", the doubts and fears surface and there I am again.... wondering.....   I honestly don't understand why "we" are sick.  Why bad things happen to people.  Why life throws curve balls that hit us squarely where we live. 

But as I read that today, I am reassured that while I may not understand, I am not alone in this.  God hears my cries and sends encouragement to me.  I am so very thankful for that.

I still have pain and severe fatigue.  I still have knees that need replaced and feet that need surgery.  My circumstances have not changed, but my attitude has.   I will rest and reflect and know that in His time, I will be better.  I will do my best to focus on Him and what He has for me to do.  Not on me and what I can't do.

These days in the midst can be long and hard.  Seek Him and know that while we don't understand now, someday we will.  Praying for you today.

Blessings,
Elaine

A Sunny Day

Hello on this sunny day.  You might wonder why I make a big deal about it?  Well, here where I live, its rare to have sunshine in January.... especially in a La Nina year... we have had lots of rain and dreary days.  It's been clear and cold (for us) the past few days and it's beautiful.  It was 20 last night and is just above freezing now.

I am watching the birds today.  There must be a hundred or more trying to get to the feeders.  All kinds and colors, shapes and sizes.  They bring me great joy.  We have quail, doves, red winged black birds, woodpeckers, and many, many more.  They are all so amazing to watch.  They each have a personality.  We also have squirrels that frequent the bird feeders.  They sit not five feet from our sliding glass door and eat and watch us:)  Our poor dogs used to go crazy when they were there, but now just sit and watch and drool:)  We knock on the window before letting the dogs out so no one gets hurt!

It is a wonder to see.  Nature offers us so much.  But we need to stop and watch and listen to begin to comprehend what is there.  The sounds, the sights, the beauty is there.  It is a gift for us to behold.  What a blessing.

In many ways it reminds me of my walk with God.  If I'm too busy, or otherwise preoccupied, I miss Him.  I need to stop, look, and listen and then I will hear His voice and see His presence in life.

I was able to go to church yesterday.  It took every ounce of strength I had, but I made it.  And I was so glad.  A little girl in our church (4, I think) responded to the Pastor's call for announcements.  She said "if you have questions" "the church and God" and a variety of other things related to that.  Half our congregation was teary eyed as the child spoke.  Several things shouted out to me.  One, this child of God wasn't afraid to speak to and about Him.  Two, she was embraced by the Pastor who held the microphone for her to talk.  Three, she was embraced by the congregation. Four, God speaks through and to us all.  It was a gift I will hold on to when my illness forces me to stay home and in bed.  

I am not saying that if one doesn't attend church one will not be blessed.   I don't believe that for one instant!  God finds us wherever we might be and sends blessings to us right where we are.  There have been years at a time when I've not been able to attend church.  But God is in my heart just the same.  And I pray He will be in yours too.

I slept all afternoon and rested much of the rest of the time.  I worked a jig saw puzzle on my computer last night.  Today I woke with a killer headache so its been quiet here at home. 

This learning to cope in the midst is hard work.  I am especially trying to focus on changing my thoughts from the "everything that needs done" to the "doing what I can this day".  That alone is helping me a lot right now. I'm choosing to be positive today.  Letting God speak through the beauty of the birds, the blue sky, the crisp air, and the love of family and friends. Enjoying this day, this moment in time, even in the midst of pain and fatigue.  God is so good!

Blessings to you today,

Elaine