It's been on my mind

Something happened last week that has been heavy on my mind.  I was at the doctors office and the "nurse" who was helping me was very nice.  She asked me all the right questions, etc. and when I mentioned my CFS and fibro, she said, "Oh, I have that too.  But I refuse to let it destroy my life.  I just push through it and take meds for the pain.  I get really tired, but just move on."  And she left the room.

I was sitting there with my thoughts swirling a million miles an hour.  Why can't I do that?  Why is she different?  What is wrong with me?  Am I lazy?  Have I given up?  Do I give into my symptoms too easily? 

It's been haunting me all week.  I felt as though I'd been slapped in the face.  That my illness was an excuse.  That I could be well if I just wanted to be.  And my doc has the same attitude I do believe.  (Yes, I'm looking for a new one).

Where does that leave me?  Why are some of us so ill and others able to function "normally" with it?  Do I just need to push harder?  Pretend that I am not ill?  Pretend that I can?  I have done that and it has always led to a severe crash.  Sometimes lasting years. 

I'm not feeling sorry for myself.  I am just confused.  I want to be well.  I desire to be well.  I have black berries, plums, and tomatoes to pick.  I watch them ripen and fall to the ground.  Others wonder why I didnt plant a big garden this year?  Well, I couldnt.  And in the past, my daughter and family were here to do most of hte work.  They have moved and that is no longer a possiblility.  People say things like "if I had all that space, I would plant a big garden".  Well, come on over and do it.  Gardens are a lot of work.  I love fresh produce, but am simply not able to get it on my own most of the time.  Once in a while I can pick a few berries or get a few tomatoes off the vines. 

How do you handle these kinds of situations?  I'm feeling very fragile right now.  My hubby is not very well, and my brother needs a heart transplant.  We are still waiting to hear about the road/bridge project that may impact our home, and yes, I'm stressed out.  I KNOW GOD will take care of us, its just the getting there that has me wondering... can I keep up my strength long enough to get thru this all?  I have set priorities and have let so many other things go over the years.  A clean house means huge set backs.  So... its dusty and the floor needs scrubbed.  But I talked with family on the phone, hugged my gkids, and pray, pray pray!

Thanks for listening.

God bless,

Elaine

Wonderful news

Rob's angiogram found nothing that needed to be fixed!  Docs said that the stress test was a false positive.  We say its a miracle from God!

My brother however, didn't get good news.  He is not a candidate for a transplant at this time.  Praying the new meds will work, that he will live long enough for it to work, and that the right heart will be waiting for him when he's ready!

So much hurt in this world.  So much pain.  And such a wonderful God we have!  Sometimes the blessings are in the pain.  And sometimes there is just the pain (from our vantage point).  But God sees the big pix, the whole plan, the wonder of life.  And He will carry us through.  He will love us enough to help us even when we can't possibly see what is good.  He will.  He will.  He does.  Praise God.

Blessings,
Elaine

A Wild Week

This has been one of those weeks one would not like to repeat.  A week ago today my husband Rob had his cardiac test results apt.  He had flunked his tests.  He will have an angiogram tomorrow and they expect to do bi pass surgery.  His blockages are front and back and top and bottom according to the stress test.  He's not quite 54. 

My oldest brother who had a massive heart attack 10 years ago is facing heart failure now.  They are on their way from MT to Salt Lake for an evaluation for a transplant.  His testing starts tomorrow also. 

A great niece whom we almost adopted about 8 years ago has been placed in a psyc hospital.  She and her sister are being raised by their gma.  The courts decided that she was a better fit for the girls and she was a closer relative..... We were so disappointed and hurt for the girls.  Their lives have been so hard.  But with my health, I am sure it was better for us.  But not for them:(

My surgeon had to have surgery himself so my knee replacement wont be until December sometime... poor guy!

But some great things happened too.  We were able to visit our friend who had a brain tumor removed a month ago.  He's struggling but is in recovery.  Still praying for him. 

And yesterday was the best day of the week!  We rode with our other two kids and gkids two hours away to visit our youngest son and family.  Their little boy will be two tomorrow.  So we had a big BD party and visited and had a fantastic day!!!!!!! 

On the way home we were close enough to one of the forest fires to see the flames and the helicopters.  One of the campgrounds that we used to serve was evacuated day before yesterday and the road closed!  It was incredible and terrifying all at the same time.  In the 4 years we were in the woods, we only had one tiny fire that close and it was put out quickly. 

It's hot here now.  we aer in the 90's daily and may hit 100's later this week.  First week of school too.  Poor kids!  Most of our schools don't have AC at all. 

I would appreciate good thoughts and prayers sent our way if you would.  Things are so overwhelming right now.  But I know God is in control and am doing my best to trust in HIM! 

Blessings to you all,
Elaine

Living in the country or how to stay sane at times.....

Here it is---- finally summer is upon us.  We live in a unique farming area.  We are surrounded by farms on all sides with a major state highway running in front of our house.  It finally got hot enough that we need all the windows open all the time.  The catch?  The noise of summer. 

The farmer behind us runs a huge irrigation machine which is operated by a tractor that is very loud.  The crops need the water and being a farm girl, I certainly understand.  But it gets loud.... I love the sound of the sprinklers when operated with a pump rather than the tractor tho:)  It is so soothing.

They harvested the beans the other days.... yes, days.... two huge bean pickers ran for nearly two days.  And nights of course.  Loud.... now there is the smell of decaying green bean bushes... interesting aroma let me tell you.

Then there is the wheat harvest.  Dusty but not long lived.  Our house is covered in dirt and dust in the summer.  One simply can not keep up.  Even when I was "well" I didn't try to dust too often in the summer.  It was pointless.

The crops across the roadway are berries, and mostly dirt this summer.  They have taken out all the arborvitae that were there and not replanted yet.  The berries keep folks busy and we can hear them laughing as they work.

Of course this is all amid the noise of living on a state highway which is also a main truck route.  The traffic so seldom stops... and often when it does, its with a terrible bang and we are calling 911 and going out to help if we can.  There have been at least 5 fatal accidents out front in the 25 years we have lived here.  Oh, I forgot to mention there is a curved bridge (which they are going to replace soon) and an intersecting county road in front of our house too.  When they forget to stop, they take out our trees:(

I love living in the country.  Really I do.  Well, I used to anyway... in the day when the traffic slowed to a couple of cars an hour during the night and we had very few trucks going by at all.  Now I am not so sure.  Once in a while when all is still, I remember why I love it here so much.  I can see the stars, hear the creek in the winter, listen to the wildlife, and see nature all around me.  It's a wonderful place to be... once in a while.........

Oh and now we have not one but two event venues near us also.  So we have live music and lots of additional traffic whenever there is an event.  Tonight we have polka music on one side and something I can't quite discern on the other:)  They don't really bother me too much tho.  I understand why they are doing it.  And free concerts are fun:)  The one neighbor especially we are good friends with and never mind the music.  They other just started this summer and is literally across the creek from the first venue.  No competition there:(  I think tonight they will hear each other loud and clear...

We have coyotes nearby also that howl at night and then all the dogs in the neighborhood bark and carry on. 

You would never know we live on 80+ acres!!!!!

And my point is????? 

It's so hard to relax with all this going on all the time.  I get so tired and its hard to rest when the noise level is so high.  We have window air conditioners but have not needed them this summer until now and actually I hate the noise and the cold air they produce.  I get chilled so easily these days.  My poor husband is sweltering in the house and I'm often wrapped up in a blanket??  I sure don't understand that at all.

So, I watch TV, at a very loud volume, play my computer games and read once in a while.  Mostly I work at shutting out the noise and trying to ignore the traffic.  We may have to move soon and in some ways, I am so ready, but in others, I don't want to leave here.  We will have to move into town as there is nothing out here we can afford.  And I've not lived in town for more than a year at a time and hated it too... guess I'm impossible to please.  This is the farm I grew up on.  There are lots of memories here for me.  My parents had a dairy farm.

And I pray.  For patience, for understanding, for quiet, for ear plugs.... and I give thanks that I have a warm and dry home to live in, that I can hear all that is going on around me, that I am alive and that I have hope.  And I am thankful for all of you.  You lift me up when life tries to hold me down.  I am encouraged, enlightened, filled with laughter, and sometimes cry with you all.

Blessings to you and enjoy the world you live in!

Elaine

Still can't comment on your comments:(

Thanks so much to all of you who have responded to my posts.  I can't reply for some reason... It wont allow me in.

I appreciate all your help!

Blessings,
Elaine

A Lyme question

I just found out that a friend of a friend who has had Fibro/ CFS and a variety of other problems for nearly 20 years has tested positive  for Lyme disease.  The reason she was tested was because both her boys tested positive.  They think that the boys got in during pregnancy.  Have you ever heard of that?  They are both quite young.

I am going to find out if they got special testing or????  Her doc has referred her to a specialist in Seattle.  I am a little curious about that... We are close to Portland and I am curious about them not getting treatment there....

The boys have had many infections, illnesses, etc over the years.  As has she.

Guess its time to be tested again.....

Blessings,
Elaine

My Hands and Feet

A very dear friend was lamenting that she felt she couldn't and didn't help me in any way.  We talked and talked about it.  I felt she does all she can. (she lives in another state a long way from me).  She loves me, always comes to see my when she's here in Oregon, writes to me, etc.... Still she felt badly that she sees me in a life that is so different than hers.  She works full time, is involved in her church and other ministries, has a busy family, etc....

It got me to thinking.  She does many ministries that I would love to do, but simply can't.  And then it occurred to me.  She is my hands and feet.  I am her prayer partner.  I lift her up and support her, and she goes about the doing.

We make a great pair!  I know there is a song out about being God's hands and feet, but I'd never thought about someone being mine before.  I can pray and support others in what they are able to "do", thus allowing them to continue the work of God.  I can pray and support them.  Together we are making this world a better place and I am contributing also. 

What a gift!  I get to "do" something!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Praying for you all and hoping this is a great day for you!!!

Blessings,
Elaine