Moving along

Hello everyone.  Hope this day finds you happy and as well as you can be.

I'm finally coming out of a bad flare up and a huge set back with my new knee.  I was doing wonderfully until early Feb. and then my knee went nuts.  Severe pain, swelling,no relief to be had.... all the tests look ok..... the Dr. has been wonderful and has seen me thru all this as well as my PT gal.  She has helped me greatly.  I had to stop PT for several weeks to let the pain and swelling ease up and it finally is!  Praise God!  We have a recumbent bike we are borrowing from my brother and it is helping a lot.  Very little pain with it. And with little resistance, not hard on the rest of my either:)

I've spent the past many weeks doing a lot of TV watching and reading as I can.  We watch lots of old reruns and some of the new shows too.  I like the original NCIS, Unforgettable, The Mentalist, and Harry's Law.  We just rented the newest (to us at least) Jessie Stone movie, "Lost Innocence" and enjoyed it too. We really like those movies.  We watch Blue Bloods too.... We don't have satellite TV so just watch what is on the regular channels.

I've recently found a new to me author also.  Nancy Rue.  She has a series out called, "the Reluctant Prophet".  I love how the books make me think and realize how we can live out our callings.....

And I always love the Jane Kirkpatrick books.  Very good stories filled with history, reality, and God's love.

I'm undergoing some additional medical testing (nothing to do with my knee) and hope to have some answers by the end of this month.  Prayers would be appreciated.

I have tried to keep up with as many of you as I could, but know that I've missed some wonderful posts....

Bless you all for being such a great source of support.

Still finding hope in the midst of it all,
Elaine

Post OP

Hi everyone.
I'm home from the hospital and doing quite well.  I am up and walking with my walker and have exercises to do often.  I have the coolest machine that when I'm hooked up to it, moves my knee up and down by set degrees.  It helps the knee to not be as stiff and sore.  I also have an ice machine and that does wonders with the cooling effects.

I so appreciate all your kind words and thoughts and prayers. 

Rob is doing well also.  He has a really bad knee also, so am hoping it will hold on until I'm all fixed up:)

Blessings to you all.

A new doctor

Well, I did it.  I found a new doc and have an apt next week to get to know her.  As I was calling around, the doc I have now was the name I was given over and over..... makes me wonder what I did to make her dislike me so much?  Oh well, water under the bridge and moving on!
I appreciate all your kind word of encouragement!  It means so much to me and keeps me going.

This week went by in a blur.  I slept the first part of it.  Then the sunshine came back and I sat in the sun and worked jigsaw puzzles:)  Lovely. 

 Then I got notified that I was a runner up in a contest I'd entered with an author I love.  Jane Kirkpatrick!  If you haven't read anything by her, look her up.  She's great.  I won her new book and three other authors new books!!!!!  So now I have some new reading material for the rainy days on the way:)  I seldom win anything so it was a real treat! 

Then someone close to us stopped by with coupons for dog food that will keep our dog fed for several months for FREE!  What a blessing that is!  He weighs nearly 100 lbs and is expensive to feed:)  Our little dog eats much less and is on a special diet as he's old....

My husband had three GOOD days in a row!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  That in itself is a huge blessing!!!!!  He worked outside and got some sun and got lots of "fall" things done too! 

Yesterday we had 6 of our 7 gkids for a few hours:):):)  Rob helped and it was nice so they could play outside and did.  Some played the WII and games on the computer and everyone took turns and shared!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I had a nice visit with my daughter in law and son in law when they picked up kids too!  I was exhausted and had a frozen dinner for supper:)  So did Rob. 

All in all, I'd say this was one of the best weeks we've had in a very long time.  One to tuck away and remember when things aren't going well....

God is good, all the time.  Even when life isn't!

Again, thanks for all your uplifting words!!!! 

Blessings to you all,
Elaine

It's been on my mind

Something happened last week that has been heavy on my mind.  I was at the doctors office and the "nurse" who was helping me was very nice.  She asked me all the right questions, etc. and when I mentioned my CFS and fibro, she said, "Oh, I have that too.  But I refuse to let it destroy my life.  I just push through it and take meds for the pain.  I get really tired, but just move on."  And she left the room.

I was sitting there with my thoughts swirling a million miles an hour.  Why can't I do that?  Why is she different?  What is wrong with me?  Am I lazy?  Have I given up?  Do I give into my symptoms too easily? 

It's been haunting me all week.  I felt as though I'd been slapped in the face.  That my illness was an excuse.  That I could be well if I just wanted to be.  And my doc has the same attitude I do believe.  (Yes, I'm looking for a new one).

Where does that leave me?  Why are some of us so ill and others able to function "normally" with it?  Do I just need to push harder?  Pretend that I am not ill?  Pretend that I can?  I have done that and it has always led to a severe crash.  Sometimes lasting years. 

I'm not feeling sorry for myself.  I am just confused.  I want to be well.  I desire to be well.  I have black berries, plums, and tomatoes to pick.  I watch them ripen and fall to the ground.  Others wonder why I didnt plant a big garden this year?  Well, I couldnt.  And in the past, my daughter and family were here to do most of hte work.  They have moved and that is no longer a possiblility.  People say things like "if I had all that space, I would plant a big garden".  Well, come on over and do it.  Gardens are a lot of work.  I love fresh produce, but am simply not able to get it on my own most of the time.  Once in a while I can pick a few berries or get a few tomatoes off the vines. 

How do you handle these kinds of situations?  I'm feeling very fragile right now.  My hubby is not very well, and my brother needs a heart transplant.  We are still waiting to hear about the road/bridge project that may impact our home, and yes, I'm stressed out.  I KNOW GOD will take care of us, its just the getting there that has me wondering... can I keep up my strength long enough to get thru this all?  I have set priorities and have let so many other things go over the years.  A clean house means huge set backs.  So... its dusty and the floor needs scrubbed.  But I talked with family on the phone, hugged my gkids, and pray, pray pray!

Thanks for listening.

God bless,

Elaine

Wonderful news

Rob's angiogram found nothing that needed to be fixed!  Docs said that the stress test was a false positive.  We say its a miracle from God!

My brother however, didn't get good news.  He is not a candidate for a transplant at this time.  Praying the new meds will work, that he will live long enough for it to work, and that the right heart will be waiting for him when he's ready!

So much hurt in this world.  So much pain.  And such a wonderful God we have!  Sometimes the blessings are in the pain.  And sometimes there is just the pain (from our vantage point).  But God sees the big pix, the whole plan, the wonder of life.  And He will carry us through.  He will love us enough to help us even when we can't possibly see what is good.  He will.  He will.  He does.  Praise God.

Blessings,
Elaine

A Wild Week

This has been one of those weeks one would not like to repeat.  A week ago today my husband Rob had his cardiac test results apt.  He had flunked his tests.  He will have an angiogram tomorrow and they expect to do bi pass surgery.  His blockages are front and back and top and bottom according to the stress test.  He's not quite 54. 

My oldest brother who had a massive heart attack 10 years ago is facing heart failure now.  They are on their way from MT to Salt Lake for an evaluation for a transplant.  His testing starts tomorrow also. 

A great niece whom we almost adopted about 8 years ago has been placed in a psyc hospital.  She and her sister are being raised by their gma.  The courts decided that she was a better fit for the girls and she was a closer relative..... We were so disappointed and hurt for the girls.  Their lives have been so hard.  But with my health, I am sure it was better for us.  But not for them:(

My surgeon had to have surgery himself so my knee replacement wont be until December sometime... poor guy!

But some great things happened too.  We were able to visit our friend who had a brain tumor removed a month ago.  He's struggling but is in recovery.  Still praying for him. 

And yesterday was the best day of the week!  We rode with our other two kids and gkids two hours away to visit our youngest son and family.  Their little boy will be two tomorrow.  So we had a big BD party and visited and had a fantastic day!!!!!!! 

On the way home we were close enough to one of the forest fires to see the flames and the helicopters.  One of the campgrounds that we used to serve was evacuated day before yesterday and the road closed!  It was incredible and terrifying all at the same time.  In the 4 years we were in the woods, we only had one tiny fire that close and it was put out quickly. 

It's hot here now.  we aer in the 90's daily and may hit 100's later this week.  First week of school too.  Poor kids!  Most of our schools don't have AC at all. 

I would appreciate good thoughts and prayers sent our way if you would.  Things are so overwhelming right now.  But I know God is in control and am doing my best to trust in HIM! 

Blessings to you all,
Elaine

Living in the country or how to stay sane at times.....

Here it is---- finally summer is upon us.  We live in a unique farming area.  We are surrounded by farms on all sides with a major state highway running in front of our house.  It finally got hot enough that we need all the windows open all the time.  The catch?  The noise of summer. 

The farmer behind us runs a huge irrigation machine which is operated by a tractor that is very loud.  The crops need the water and being a farm girl, I certainly understand.  But it gets loud.... I love the sound of the sprinklers when operated with a pump rather than the tractor tho:)  It is so soothing.

They harvested the beans the other days.... yes, days.... two huge bean pickers ran for nearly two days.  And nights of course.  Loud.... now there is the smell of decaying green bean bushes... interesting aroma let me tell you.

Then there is the wheat harvest.  Dusty but not long lived.  Our house is covered in dirt and dust in the summer.  One simply can not keep up.  Even when I was "well" I didn't try to dust too often in the summer.  It was pointless.

The crops across the roadway are berries, and mostly dirt this summer.  They have taken out all the arborvitae that were there and not replanted yet.  The berries keep folks busy and we can hear them laughing as they work.

Of course this is all amid the noise of living on a state highway which is also a main truck route.  The traffic so seldom stops... and often when it does, its with a terrible bang and we are calling 911 and going out to help if we can.  There have been at least 5 fatal accidents out front in the 25 years we have lived here.  Oh, I forgot to mention there is a curved bridge (which they are going to replace soon) and an intersecting county road in front of our house too.  When they forget to stop, they take out our trees:(

I love living in the country.  Really I do.  Well, I used to anyway... in the day when the traffic slowed to a couple of cars an hour during the night and we had very few trucks going by at all.  Now I am not so sure.  Once in a while when all is still, I remember why I love it here so much.  I can see the stars, hear the creek in the winter, listen to the wildlife, and see nature all around me.  It's a wonderful place to be... once in a while.........

Oh and now we have not one but two event venues near us also.  So we have live music and lots of additional traffic whenever there is an event.  Tonight we have polka music on one side and something I can't quite discern on the other:)  They don't really bother me too much tho.  I understand why they are doing it.  And free concerts are fun:)  The one neighbor especially we are good friends with and never mind the music.  They other just started this summer and is literally across the creek from the first venue.  No competition there:(  I think tonight they will hear each other loud and clear...

We have coyotes nearby also that howl at night and then all the dogs in the neighborhood bark and carry on. 

You would never know we live on 80+ acres!!!!!

And my point is????? 

It's so hard to relax with all this going on all the time.  I get so tired and its hard to rest when the noise level is so high.  We have window air conditioners but have not needed them this summer until now and actually I hate the noise and the cold air they produce.  I get chilled so easily these days.  My poor husband is sweltering in the house and I'm often wrapped up in a blanket??  I sure don't understand that at all.

So, I watch TV, at a very loud volume, play my computer games and read once in a while.  Mostly I work at shutting out the noise and trying to ignore the traffic.  We may have to move soon and in some ways, I am so ready, but in others, I don't want to leave here.  We will have to move into town as there is nothing out here we can afford.  And I've not lived in town for more than a year at a time and hated it too... guess I'm impossible to please.  This is the farm I grew up on.  There are lots of memories here for me.  My parents had a dairy farm.

And I pray.  For patience, for understanding, for quiet, for ear plugs.... and I give thanks that I have a warm and dry home to live in, that I can hear all that is going on around me, that I am alive and that I have hope.  And I am thankful for all of you.  You lift me up when life tries to hold me down.  I am encouraged, enlightened, filled with laughter, and sometimes cry with you all.

Blessings to you and enjoy the world you live in!

Elaine

My Hands and Feet

A very dear friend was lamenting that she felt she couldn't and didn't help me in any way.  We talked and talked about it.  I felt she does all she can. (she lives in another state a long way from me).  She loves me, always comes to see my when she's here in Oregon, writes to me, etc.... Still she felt badly that she sees me in a life that is so different than hers.  She works full time, is involved in her church and other ministries, has a busy family, etc....

It got me to thinking.  She does many ministries that I would love to do, but simply can't.  And then it occurred to me.  She is my hands and feet.  I am her prayer partner.  I lift her up and support her, and she goes about the doing.

We make a great pair!  I know there is a song out about being God's hands and feet, but I'd never thought about someone being mine before.  I can pray and support others in what they are able to "do", thus allowing them to continue the work of God.  I can pray and support them.  Together we are making this world a better place and I am contributing also. 

What a gift!  I get to "do" something!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Praying for you all and hoping this is a great day for you!!!

Blessings,
Elaine

Running in place

Running.  Spinning.  Racing from one place to another so fast I've lost where I was.  Planning, thinking, trying to decide.  Too many choices.  Too much to think about.  No time to stop.  Must not stop.  Keep running.  Keep moving. 

A body that sits so still it might be dead.  A mind that can't stop running. Is the mind compensating for the body?  Trying to do what the body can't?  Afraid to stop.  If the mind stops too, then what?  Does the body then die?  Must not stop thinking about everything.  Must not stop.

Exhaustion.  From what?  Not from moving this body.  From running another marathon today.  In my mind.  Can't stop thinking.  Must not stop.  Where will this end?

Know I must rest.  Know I must pray.  Know I must stop thinking and let this mind and body and soul truly rest.  So hard to do these days. 

Wondering why it's so hard right now?  So hard to stop and rest.  The running keeps me upright.  Keeps me alive.  Afraid the mind will leave if I stop. 

Fighting.  Angry.  So disappointed.  So tired of trying to hope.  So tired of believing I will be better.  Each time a new treatment comes around, the hope surges and I think, "is this the one for me"?  So tired of trying to live as though I'm well and failing.  So tired of being sick. 

Wishing and hoping for a new life.  For being well.  For having a body and mind that works like it should.  For being the wife, mom, gma, auntie, etc.... that I want to be.  For the shackles of illness to be gone. 

Wondering why?  Not why me, but why the big picture.  Why for all of us who suffer and are ill.  What is the purpose in this?  What will be accomplished by these illnesses?  Are we being shaped and molded into someone new?  Are we serving a need? 

 
I KNOW there are better days coming.  I have lived this before.  Hope and pray.  What I live by.  My hope in the midst is Jesus Christ.  My prayer is that He will be with me.  And HE is! 

I know that someday I will understand all this.  Someday I will be free from the pain, fatigue, frustration, and set free to live the life that was intended for me.  I know that in my heart and soul.  I know it.  I just have to be more patient and wait for it.  It may come while I'm still here on earth and it may not.  Either way, I will have that precious life.  I look forward to it with great anticipation and hope.  I am eager for it. 

Someday I will achieve those things I'm unable to do now.  I will tend to the children in Africa.  I will run and not be weary.  I will meet the needs of my family.  I will be able to do it all!!!!!

I hope and pray that you will find the same peace I've found.  Even when I struggle like today, I know in my heart it will all be well with my soul.  This body may fail me, but my spirit knows there is so much more than this to be had. 

There's a hymn called "It is well with my soul" and I can identify with it especially today.  My soul is well.  My body doesn't have to be when my soul is well.  I hang on to that and I revel in the Grace and Mercy shown to me each and every day.  I feel so blessed to know Jesus.

Praying that today is a good day for you.  Praying you will find peace and contentment where ever you are this day.  Praying God's blessings upon you.  Praying for peace for your soul.

Blessings,
Elaine

Is stress contagious?

Lately I've been wondering about stress.  I seem to suffer from it and when things get really busy, I find myself grinding my teeth, tensing up, not sleeping well, etc.....

For example:  Our daughter and SIL and family have purchased a new home.  They needed to do some remodeling and as the deadline for them to be out of the current home approaches (Aug 1st), I find myself getting caught up in all of the action.  I so want to help and am trying my best to do so.  Mostly I'm caring for their children as they are feeling the stress of the move.  (They currently live next door to us and always have). 

The remodel is behind schedule and my daughter is feeling the stress.  She has worked so very hard all summer on it.  The mom in me wants to make it all better by shouldering some of the load.  I tried---- it backfired:(  as always.

But here I am.  Stressed because I can't "do", stressed because I did "do" and am in much more pain and fatigue, stressed because my hubby is trying hard to help too and it causes him pain and emotional stress.... and on and on.

So, I'm wondering what you do when stressed?  Especially when you can't remove the thing that is causing it?  (the move)  Living with someone who has severe depression.... trying to show all the gkids the same attention.... etc...
It was horse fair time too, so two trips to the fair to watch the oldest gson. 


Any suggestions you could offer would be greatly appreciated!

Hope your day is going well.

Blessings to you all,
Elaine

A Brighter Perspective/ The Mountains Majesty

Good morning to you all.  What a difference a few days can make in ones life.  None of the problems are gone, but with your support and encouragement, and God's love, I'm doing much better:)

I'm visiting with my son, daughter in law, and gson on the east side of the mountains, but very close to them. (the mountains)  The house they live in looks to the west and directly to the mountains.  I have been watching them since Saturday evening.  I think I can understand now the draw people have to living near mountains.  They are constantly changing.  At times, I can see the peaks, and at other times, very little if any of them is visible.  There are three of them close together (the Three Sisters).  They are not nearly as high as many of the mountains we have, but they are beautiful to see.  They are covered with snow as we have had much more than normal this year.  The light hits them and they sparkle and shine.  Each time I look, there is something much different to see.  Sometimes the light shines on the trees below and it looks as though they are a hundred different colors.  The definitions of the mountains and the area below changes minute by minute. 

I see God's hands working.  The ever changing mountains are like life.  The snow falls, the fires burn, the rains come, the wind blows, the sun shines, and all the while, the mountains stand tall.  Sometimes, the hurt or damage is too great and the mountain shudders with pain and revolt, but still stands.  I'm like that too.  Some days, the pain, fatigue, and fears are too great, and I tremble and shake and maybe even fall.  But God holds me close and lifts me back up.  He supports me and helps me and eases my burdens.

I was having a terrible day when I posted last.  I had fallen and was shaking and trembling.  God has eased my burdens and given me strength.  You my friends have done the same.  Thanks be to God and you all.


Thank you again for listening to me and giving me room to grow. 

Blessings to you all,

Elaine

Is it spring yet or hold onto that thought!

Another wet, cool day here.  I am so very tired of this weather, but when I complain, I only have to think of those who have lost everything with the tornadoes, floods, fires, earthquakes, volcanoes..... and I am humbled and know that a little rain and cool temps won't hurt me at all.  So, I will stop complaining about the weather!

My little pots of flowers and veggies are coming along nicely.  The peas are up and the tomatoes are doing well.  Many of the containers of flowers are doing very well too.  Some didn't come up at all, but then I was using old seeds...

I have been fighting severe anxiety lately.  I KNOW I need to trust and rest in Jesus, but for some reason, I've just not been able to do it.  I am trying so hard. 

I think it may be that there are so many things going on right now.  Things that are totally out of my control.  It appears that the state is finally moving on the bridge project and they set out markers yesterday.  The temporary easement is 18 feet from our house.  The permanent one is about 22 feet.  They will take ALL the trees and hedge out in front (facing the road) (a state hwy-very busy) and we will be like sitting ducks for all to view.  I am very distressed about this.  We will also loose all our shade trees.  The safety issue bothers me greatly.  We have had several fatal accidents in front of and near our home and with no trees, they will be in our house.  My brother is coming in June and we will all have a meeting with the state to start negotiations with them.  Nothing is in stone yet.  We were hoping that they would buy us out rather than leave us just feet from the work zone (two years  of noise and activity).  I am not sure either one of us can handle it.  Noise is not a good thing for either of us.  Please pray for us.

I hurt my arm earlier this month and it is healing slowly.  The doc thinks I strained a muscle.  It's been very painful.

I am going to have my knee replacement sometime this summer.  It has gotten to the point of no return. 

I've been fighting the fatigue and more pain as of late.  I am pushing to do some of the things I value and of course I am paying for it, but its worth it.  I went to the school for grandparents day and had a wonderful time.  We have been watching gkids often and carting them to activities too.  This is such a busy time for all the adults with school grinding to an end.  We have three birthdays in May.  (grand kids)  The ballet recital is coming up as is the music recital.  I try to attend them. 

I did have a wonderful visit with my counselor and she helped me put things into perspective.  She is a fantastic Christian woman.

As you can tell from this post, part of my trouble is that I can't keep a thought long enough to do anything with it...

I've been having fun watching the birds and squirrels in our yard.

And I'm doing my very best to rest in the arms of Jesus and allow Him to take my burdens and hold them for me. 

Blessings to you all,
Elaine

Test Results and Ramblings

Happy Tuesday to you all.  I finally got all my blood work back.  And of course, it all (but one test) looks normal.  One of the blood coagulation related tests was abnormal, but that was it.  So... no smoking gun:(  I knew better than to hope, but what else is there for us but HOPE?? 

So, we plod along.  Wondering if and when the right test or meds or something will come into our lives and make us "well". 

There are a few other tests the doc wants to run, but I need to find out if INS will pay for them before I have them done.  He's sure that I have underlying infections (as so many of you do) and would like to document that. 

I will have my knee replaced as soon as the surgeon can schedule it.  It's causing such pain that I really can't walk much even when I feel like it. It interferes with sleep and my daily life.  The surgeon said I'd know when it was time and he was right.... its time.  I walked down a driveway last week at my cousin's house and nearly collapsed.  My knee began to swell immediately and is still giving me fits.  Sitting upright is the most comfortable position for my knee at this point.  And of course favoring my right knee has caused the left one to act up:(  Oh well, the sun is out today and I'm so very thankful for that!!!!!

Our daughter and family found a house they loved and will be moving soon.  I will miss them terribly, but they will be only a few miles away.  They are next door now.....  so nice:)  I am very happy for them. 

Rob's bi-polar gives him trouble and has been worse lately.  I so wish there was a way I could help him!  He's out mowing the lawn right now and that will help him some.  At least he will get some fresh air and sunshine!

I have so very much to be thankful for.  And at least I know now what "it' isn't.  And there is some comfort in that.  I was just hoping for something to treat and have go away!  I am sure you can all relate.

Last Saturday my granddaughter helped me plant some seeds and 5 tomato plants into containers.  I will try that this year.  Last year the ground was so wet that our garden really didn't do much.  The containers will be much easier to manage and care for.  We planted some veggies and lots of pretty flowers.  I am anxious to see them grow.  We even planted some cat grass for her kitties.  She was really excited about that.  She was a trooper and stayed on task the whole time.  She and her brother carried the pots to the spots I'd picked out.  It was really a fun time.  Of course I have been "resting" since, but it was one of those well worth it times. 

Hope and pray you are all doing well and that things will be better for each one of you.  I've been thinking about that song I posted some time back.  "I will Praise You In This Storm" by Casting Crowns.  It gives me hope and sets my heart in the right place.  I praise God for all of my life.  Even the parts I wish I could change.  He knows my name and He knows my heart.  I am only able to do this because of Him.  How could I not thank Him?  Praying His love into your life today.

God Bless,
Elaine

Unintentional Pain

Today I was hit hard with it.  Someone was talking about a person who had just had surgery and was unable to walk and he had a garden to plant and things to do.  The comment was made that "he will get it done some how, he's such a strong person".  I laughed for a moment and then wanted to cry.  Immediately the song "you can't keep a good man down" entered my head.

If he can "do" it, in spite of his limitations, then where does that leave me when I can't?  How do I measure up?  What makes me less able to overcome my limitations when all around me there are those who "work through the pain....."

I was happy for the person who was able.  I honestly was.  But at that moment I felt that old pain of not measuring up.  If I was good enough, this disease would not control me..... I would just make myself keep going wouldn't I?

I wanted to shout out that it's not always  possible to keep going.  My body shuts down and says enough and stops.  Willpower and being good have NOTHING to do with what I can and can't do.  I have tried pushing hard and paid a heavy price for my actions.  Occasionally I make the decision to "do it anyway" and pay the price.  Sometimes its worth it.... I know I've mentioned some of this before.  I've been measuring, weighing, and parceling out my "energies" for so long that it is just second nature now. 

But then along comes those "times".  When breathing is an effort.  Walking is a shuffle and a short one at that.  (Do I really need to go to the bathroom or can it wait another hour).....  I know I haven't been drinking my water, but I would have to walk to the kitchen to get a drink... besides, if I drink, I will have to get up more often.......

It sounds like some of you are hurting too.  The weight of our illnesses can be overwhelming at times.  The pain of our losses too great.  Our hope seems to have been robbed from us.  And we are left with only our thoughts. 

What a lonely place that can be!

But there is a hope and His name is Jesus.  He will meet us there in that lonely place and hold us close.  He will nurture us and give us all that we need to survive.  He will renew our spirit and give us joy.  He may not heal our bodies, but He will heal our minds and our souls.  He will make us complete.  And even if our bodies are not healed, we have the knowledge that one day they will be.  There is a place called Heaven where there is no more pain or suffering.  We will run and dance.  We will do all those things that we are unable to do right now.  We must hold on to the faith and know that even though we are tired and sick now, those better days are coming!

Hold on my friends.  Jesus is coming!  We can make it.  He will give us the strength needed to face each and every day until He calls us home.

God Bless You All!

Elaine

Anniversarys

Good morning to you all.  It's been a while since I've posted.  There are so many things going on at our house that I've been overwhelmed and too tired....

February, March, and April bring so much emotion to the table.  Rob's dad died in Feb.  My mom celebrated her BD and fell in March.  She died early April. Rob's dad's BD is in April too.  And I celebrate my illnessversary in April.  (None of it happened this year).

April 1994 is the year that I don't forget.  I was working, managing a household, watching over my parents and family, and WHAM!  I got sick.  Felt like the flu and my spine hurt so bad I could hardly walk.  My right side became unresponsive.  It was basically useless. I drug my foot and carried my arm.  In time, I was nearly incapacitated.  I needed help to get in and out of bed.  I could not care for anyone, including myself.  Our home life ground to a halt.  Rob did what he could, but was totally out of his league.  He worked long hours and the kids all were in school, etc... My Mom came to the rescue.  She cooked, cleaned, did laundry, and kept tabs on my family.  She cut up my food and cooked things that were easy to swallow.  I spent a year like that.  (My Mom and I were very close and I still miss her terribly.)  The poor doctors were baffled.  I felt like I'd lost my life.  The days were long and the nights were longer.  After about a year, I began to improve some. I could walk on my own and realized that it took amazing effort to do so.  I began to notice all sorts of things about my body.  And the effort to simply breathe was all encompassing.  I wanted to die.  Part of me had.  Why couldn't the rest of me do so also?   I was terrified.  I was useless.  My family was in shock. 

As the months went by, I struggled with the doctors opinions of me.  Words like lazy, fat, and mentally ill, began to show up in reports. After all the tests were all "normal", so it must be in my head, right?  I felt terrible and knew there was something "wrong".  I could feel the difference in my body.  After two years I met a doc from Canada who had worked with women who had fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue.  She diagnosed me on my first visit with her.  I was, in many ways, set free on that day. My "condition" had a name! Treatment was to kill the pain and clear the depression.  It didn't work very well, but I did sleep more and was more alert when I was awake.  I had about two "good" hours a day and I treasured them.

As the years began to add up, the family dynamics changed dramatically.  I watched from the side lines as the kids grew, married, and moved on.  I tried to be involved, but after each event, it took months to recover.  I learned to pace and to weigh the price of each choice.  Was it worth what it would cost?  So many times the answer was no...........  I hated myself and what I had become. 

I was a Christian the whole time, but that didn't seem to matter.  God wasn't healing me.  I wanted my old life back!  I wanted a life -- period.  I could not see the positives at all.  Yes, I was depressed and sad, and in pain and clouded by drugs.  No, I wasn't faking it so I didn't have to work anymore.... I felt betrayed by my own body and mind.  But God didn't give up on me.  He continued to nurture me through others and I began to see that life was going to continue.  I was going to live and I needed to adapt to this the best way possible.  So, with many prayers, much love, and a God bigger than my  problems, I began to look at life again.  I began to relish the days and to celebrate living. 

I did improve some more and that helped too.  I could keep house somewhat and drive again.  I managed to keep tabs on our youngest and to drive my folks where they needed to go.  My extended family just watched and shook their heads.  They didn't understand.  What I couldn't explain to them was that for the most part, we didn't understand either.... it was simply the new reality for us.

During the years, there have been many ups and downs and mostly "it is what it is".  I seldom commit to anything as I never know how I will feel that day... I do what I can and try not to hit myself over the head about the rest.  I sleep a lot, rest a lot, and try to enjoy each day as it comes.  I spend as much time with family as possible.  I go to church when I'm able. 

My husband has bi-polar disease and heart problems.  He is unable to work  and at times its like the fountain has been left on around here.  We are unable to help each other like we want to. We are limited so much personally that we have nothing to give to each other.  It's a sad fact of our lives.  Thankfully we are not both "down" at the same time too often.  But when we are, neither one of us wants to be here!

But, I am blessed.  I have so much that others don't.  I have a warm and dry home and have food for my table.  I have a husband and a family who loves me.  I have a Lord and Savior who died for my sins and has claimed me as His own.  I am loved. 

Yes, I am blessed.  And I have found my hope in the midst of this life.

And now I have each of you.  You add to my blessings with your encouragement and honesty.  Thanks to each of you.

God Bless and Keep You Always,

Elaine

Seeing Invisible People

I had a very interesting day yesterday.  I had a counseling appointment and I was early.  In the building there is a prayer room.  I had never had time to enter into it before.  As I went in, I felt a peace and a calm within my soul.  I spent about 15 minutes there, reading some of what other people had left behind, looking and praying.  I had a wonderful counseling session afterwards.

I had to get dog food and found I was too tired to drive home.  I went into a local sandwich shop and had a snack.  As I was sitting there, reading the local paper and eating, a man stopped and started a conversation with me.  I was a bit taken aback, but he looked harmless and after all, I was inside a shop with people all around me. 

He started to talk about newspapers and how he had worked for many different ones over the years.  He had written lots of articles, published his church's newsletter, and done many other things associated with newspapers.  It was interesting to talk to him and mostly I listened. 

He began to tell me his story.  He had been the victim of a vicious mugging that left him near death.  He had a profound awakening and decided to live his life for God instead of people.  He had not been a believer before his mugging.  He shared about his experience and his life since.  His wife has cystic fibrosis and had he died, she would have been sent to a nursing home.  He wears a hat due to all the scarring on his head from his many surgeries.  He has limited use of his right hand, but is thankful for every day now here on earth.  He is happy to be caring for his wife, even though he has to walk everywhere as his license was revoked. 

As I listened to his story, I was overcome with joy.  He shared his faith walk, his views, and mostly just wanted to be heard.  He had so much to share and was so open and honest.  And yet, to the casual eye, he "looked normal".  He looked "well".   And God spoke to me through him.  There are so many people who have a bigger story to tell.  We are so busy and involved with our lives, that they often are overlooked.  Those of us with invisible illnesses are often simply ignored by those whose lives are busy and full.  I could have missed a chance to hear his story and share his life.  I could have been afraid and ignored him.  I could have missed his faith story.  I could have missed God.

But because I could relate and identify with him, I didn't.  I heard his cry to be heard and to have someone listen.  He carries a huge burden caring for his wife.  He is isolated much of the time.  But he does it with joy and with love.  He values each day and wants to share as much of Jesus with others as he can.  He might be different, but he is still human and has human needs.  He has value and has purpose.  He is invisible to many, but a  jewel in God's eyes. 

So are we my friends.  We have value.  No matter whether we can get out of bed, off the couch, out of the house, or not, we have value.  We need to remember that.  When we are down and out, we need to remember that we are exactly where we are supposed to be, doing exactly what we are supposed to be doing.  There is a purpose to our lives, even when we can't see it.

As I drove home, rested and renewed, filled with joy and peace, I found my strength returning, my hope surging and my life full.

I got home and greeted my dear husband and dogs. I was tired and found myself totally relaxed.  I took a two hour nap and woke ready to tackle the rest of the day. 

I didn't feel invisible  yesterday.  I felt full.  My heart sang and my soul rejoiced.  Today, those feelings are still with me.  I am here and I will do my best to continue to do whatever I am called to do.

I hope and pray that in the midst of your day, you will find a place of value and purpose.  That you will be filled with joy, hope, and peace.  That your cup would run over and you would have more than you need. 

Blessings to you all today.

Elaine

Just for today

My days seem to be running together.  My husband Rob, is doing very well after his surgery.  He is going to Physical Therapy twice a week and making great progress.  We are so very thankful!

Our days are busy though.  I'm doing all the driving and that wears me out:(  At least most of the time its under 10 miles each way.  There are things that Rob can't do for himself, so I am helping him with those. 

My anxiety is through the roof right now.... I tend to worry about things that I really have no need to.  It is something I work on constantly.

I went to my chiropractor today and that always helps me.  I have a couple of places in my neck that get soooo sore.  I think it comes from not being able to relax well. 

He suggested that I start a Magnesium and Malic Acid regime.  Are any of you taking them and have they helped at all?  Please let me know if you have tried it or have any info on it.  Thanks!

I'm still waiting to get the kit for all the blood work that I need done with the blood coagulation defect tests.  I'm feeling impatient:) 

I'm struggling with the fatigue and pain and resting as much as possible.  I'm very thankful that we did all that cooking in advance.  Even reheating is more than I want to do at times.  Our kids have fed us some and that has been really nice.  Cooking is so hard for me.  I have trouble following recipes... can't remember if I've added all the ingredients... sometimes I actually copy it and cross things off as I work..... 

We were supposed to get snow this week, but its just very cold rain.  The hills are beautiful and it cleared last night so I could see the moon for a bit.  It was so pretty.

Hope in the Midst.  Sometimes I forget that God is in control and that He knows all about all of this.  And then a reminder will come along and assure me that He indeed does know and cares.  And my hope is renewed.  I move ahead and I continue to live this life I have and rejoice in it.  He has given me what I need for today.  My job is to stop looking so far ahead.  I need to concentrate on what today is about.  ( I used to be quite the planner)  Now, I only try to make it today.  Try being the key word here.... I am grateful for this day and the blessings it has given me. 

Hope and pray you are all doing well today.  You are such a blessing to me!

Elaine

The Day After

Well, my dear husband Rob's surgery went very well.  His heart behaved itself and there were no complications.  His pain is being well controlled with his meds and he is trying really hard to be a good patient.

I am already exhausted, but family is helping and that makes such a difference.  I've been pacing as best as possible and resting when I can.

I've been taking to heart all your good suggestions.  I appreciate them all.

I am so thankful to have found you all.  It gives me hope when there seems to be no end to trials.  I have such great respect for you all and I gather strength from you and your words.

God is so great and so faithful.  I had been having the same dream for weeks that when Rob stood up after surgery that he fell, hit his head, and died from the injury.  Crazy huh?  When he stood up the first time yesterday I almost ran from the room.  But of course he did just fine and all was good.....

Our daughter in law is an RN and works at the same hospital where Rob had his surgery in the same dept. where we were.  She was off yesterday though and sat with us.  She brought her little girl (2) who is so intrigued with all things medical and was watching and taking it all in!  Amazing.  (there was nothing inappropriate for her to see of course).  She's been here to help us with questions and problems a couple of times already:)

I am committed to taking this one step at a time and to ask for help when we need it.  I appreciate your prayers and loving thoughts and do ask for them to continue.  We are just getting started here.

Praying that you are all finding hope and peace in the midst of your days.  Praying also that those of you who are in the deep freeze are safe and can keep warm somehow. 

God Bless and Keep You All,

Blessings,

Elaine

It's Monday

Now what?  Another week ahead.  Two doctors apts this week.... Freezing rain predicted for Tues. and Wed.... but who knows?  Could be snow, sleet, freezing rain, or just plain old rain.  Rain is what we usually get around here..... I love the snow and lived 4 years where it did indeed snow!  The first winter we had 3 feet drop in two days.  It was an amazing introduction to living in the snow! 

Those were interesting years.  My husband Rob, worked for a recreation company and he did campground work in the summer and helped run the kitchen at the ski resort in the winter.  It was FUN!  I rode along in the summer and we met so many wonderful people.  Some we are still in contact with.  In the winter we lived in our RV in a park near the ski resort.  So we had utilities in the winter.  Right across the road was all forest and had great walking paths.  Of course one needed to pay attention as there were cougars, bears, deer, and all sorts of other wildlife.  The deer were so pretty and walked right past our trailer daily.  I could sit inside and watch the wildlife, the trees, the snow, and loved it.  We had a cat then and she would sit on my lap or near my head and watch too.. when the deer were really close, she would sit and her tail would swish as she watched.  Rob shoveled snow every AM and PM so if I wanted to go out, I had a path to follow.  It felt like paradise.

The summers were intersting too.  We lived 3 summers in a campground with no utilities except water and that only worked part of the time.  Interesting though, I felt better there than I had in years anywhere else.  Some one asked me once if I had make any connection to my illness with electricity?  Made me wonder.... I have no idea how electricity could be connected. ( Although in the winter the static electricity was so bad that I actually shorted out our phone!) I had the energy to walk and I did.  I often spent hours picking up garbage campers had left in campsites.  It was a wonderful time.  Time where I didn't have to think and could pray, reflect, and simply enjoy my surroundings.  A time to remember and hang onto now that I'm not nearly so "well". 

It reminds me of something my Mom always said to me.  "This too shall pass".  I hang onto those words, knowing that she knew full well what they meant.  My oldest brother (whom I never met) was killed in a swimming accident on our creek the summer before I was born.  She knew the full meaning of suffering.     And even when she fell and hit her head, she was still walking on her own.  She had a brain bleed and because of her CLL, they couldnt stop the bleeding.  They tried and she did so well after her surgery.  It was a hard blow to know that the bleeding wouldnt stop. She and I were very good friends and I miss her still.  It will be 2 years in April since she died.  She was 93.  Rob and I had lived next door to my parents for 23 years and had taken care of them until we went into the campgrounds.  Our daughter and son in law moved in with them and that allowed us to do some new things.  Dad died in 1998.

Suffering takes on different personalities.  But suffer we do.  Some have  physical problems, others have family issues that take my breath away, some are so locked away mentally that they are in a place of their own, some have things in their lives that I can't fathom.   When I look around, I am thankful that I have my kind of suffering.  Thankful!  I can't imagine going through some of what I see around me.  I do what I can to help others and usually it is prayer.  I can "do" so little else.  Prayer is vital and I am thankful both for the prayers said on my behalf and those I say for others.

Perhaps today, as we come together, we can take a moment and think of someone we know who is suffering and offer up a prayer for them.

Blessings to you today,

Elaine

A New Day

Hello to you all today.

I love knowing that each day we have the opportunity to start again.  It's such a gift.  I never know what is ahead and I like it that way.  I think I would give up if I knew ahead of time.....

This has been one of the longest stretches of pain and fatigue I've had in a long time.  The Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue are fighting me hard.  But I've been able to rest and my dear husband, Rob, is doing his best to take care of me.  I'm getting better at asking him for what I need.  For so long I hesitated to ask... pride is an ugly thing!

He has his own problems.  He has heart trouble and has a torn rotator cuff (in three places) on his shoulder and is bi-polar.  Some days its like the blind leading the blind at our house.  We are trying to find peace in our midst. 

We have great kids and they are very supportive and that helps too.  And we have our faith.  We couldn't make it through this without God almighty on our side!

I found an article today written by Christine Miserandino.  Its called "The Spoon Theory".  I had never read it before.  I really liked the way she explained her illness.  Here is a link to the site:  http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory-written-by-christine-miserandino/.  The only thing I would add to it is that somedays, I start out with no spoons and have nothing to spend.  These are the days I lean even harder on Jesus and rely on Him completely.  I take Him at His word that He will be with me always.  These moments are a precious balm to a wounded body and soul.

I hope and pray that today has been a good one for you and that you will find peace in Jesus.

Blessings to you,

Elaine