Running in place

Running.  Spinning.  Racing from one place to another so fast I've lost where I was.  Planning, thinking, trying to decide.  Too many choices.  Too much to think about.  No time to stop.  Must not stop.  Keep running.  Keep moving. 

A body that sits so still it might be dead.  A mind that can't stop running. Is the mind compensating for the body?  Trying to do what the body can't?  Afraid to stop.  If the mind stops too, then what?  Does the body then die?  Must not stop thinking about everything.  Must not stop.

Exhaustion.  From what?  Not from moving this body.  From running another marathon today.  In my mind.  Can't stop thinking.  Must not stop.  Where will this end?

Know I must rest.  Know I must pray.  Know I must stop thinking and let this mind and body and soul truly rest.  So hard to do these days. 

Wondering why it's so hard right now?  So hard to stop and rest.  The running keeps me upright.  Keeps me alive.  Afraid the mind will leave if I stop. 

Fighting.  Angry.  So disappointed.  So tired of trying to hope.  So tired of believing I will be better.  Each time a new treatment comes around, the hope surges and I think, "is this the one for me"?  So tired of trying to live as though I'm well and failing.  So tired of being sick. 

Wishing and hoping for a new life.  For being well.  For having a body and mind that works like it should.  For being the wife, mom, gma, auntie, etc.... that I want to be.  For the shackles of illness to be gone. 

Wondering why?  Not why me, but why the big picture.  Why for all of us who suffer and are ill.  What is the purpose in this?  What will be accomplished by these illnesses?  Are we being shaped and molded into someone new?  Are we serving a need? 

 
I KNOW there are better days coming.  I have lived this before.  Hope and pray.  What I live by.  My hope in the midst is Jesus Christ.  My prayer is that He will be with me.  And HE is! 

I know that someday I will understand all this.  Someday I will be free from the pain, fatigue, frustration, and set free to live the life that was intended for me.  I know that in my heart and soul.  I know it.  I just have to be more patient and wait for it.  It may come while I'm still here on earth and it may not.  Either way, I will have that precious life.  I look forward to it with great anticipation and hope.  I am eager for it. 

Someday I will achieve those things I'm unable to do now.  I will tend to the children in Africa.  I will run and not be weary.  I will meet the needs of my family.  I will be able to do it all!!!!!

I hope and pray that you will find the same peace I've found.  Even when I struggle like today, I know in my heart it will all be well with my soul.  This body may fail me, but my spirit knows there is so much more than this to be had. 

There's a hymn called "It is well with my soul" and I can identify with it especially today.  My soul is well.  My body doesn't have to be when my soul is well.  I hang on to that and I revel in the Grace and Mercy shown to me each and every day.  I feel so blessed to know Jesus.

Praying that today is a good day for you.  Praying you will find peace and contentment where ever you are this day.  Praying God's blessings upon you.  Praying for peace for your soul.

Blessings,
Elaine

Is it spring yet or hold onto that thought!

Another wet, cool day here.  I am so very tired of this weather, but when I complain, I only have to think of those who have lost everything with the tornadoes, floods, fires, earthquakes, volcanoes..... and I am humbled and know that a little rain and cool temps won't hurt me at all.  So, I will stop complaining about the weather!

My little pots of flowers and veggies are coming along nicely.  The peas are up and the tomatoes are doing well.  Many of the containers of flowers are doing very well too.  Some didn't come up at all, but then I was using old seeds...

I have been fighting severe anxiety lately.  I KNOW I need to trust and rest in Jesus, but for some reason, I've just not been able to do it.  I am trying so hard. 

I think it may be that there are so many things going on right now.  Things that are totally out of my control.  It appears that the state is finally moving on the bridge project and they set out markers yesterday.  The temporary easement is 18 feet from our house.  The permanent one is about 22 feet.  They will take ALL the trees and hedge out in front (facing the road) (a state hwy-very busy) and we will be like sitting ducks for all to view.  I am very distressed about this.  We will also loose all our shade trees.  The safety issue bothers me greatly.  We have had several fatal accidents in front of and near our home and with no trees, they will be in our house.  My brother is coming in June and we will all have a meeting with the state to start negotiations with them.  Nothing is in stone yet.  We were hoping that they would buy us out rather than leave us just feet from the work zone (two years  of noise and activity).  I am not sure either one of us can handle it.  Noise is not a good thing for either of us.  Please pray for us.

I hurt my arm earlier this month and it is healing slowly.  The doc thinks I strained a muscle.  It's been very painful.

I am going to have my knee replacement sometime this summer.  It has gotten to the point of no return. 

I've been fighting the fatigue and more pain as of late.  I am pushing to do some of the things I value and of course I am paying for it, but its worth it.  I went to the school for grandparents day and had a wonderful time.  We have been watching gkids often and carting them to activities too.  This is such a busy time for all the adults with school grinding to an end.  We have three birthdays in May.  (grand kids)  The ballet recital is coming up as is the music recital.  I try to attend them. 

I did have a wonderful visit with my counselor and she helped me put things into perspective.  She is a fantastic Christian woman.

As you can tell from this post, part of my trouble is that I can't keep a thought long enough to do anything with it...

I've been having fun watching the birds and squirrels in our yard.

And I'm doing my very best to rest in the arms of Jesus and allow Him to take my burdens and hold them for me. 

Blessings to you all,
Elaine

A Good Day

Yesterday was one of those.  A very good day.  I slept well the night before, and that always make such a difference for me.  I rested in the morning and about noonish Rob and I got started on a "project".  He was having a good day too!

We are not good about putting papers away.  We had let them pile up for a year.  Yes, a year or more.......  I had no idea where anything was, and while Rob said he knew, I was beginning to doubt that too. 

I had been bothered by the increasing piles on the desk and filing cabinet for months now, but knew that before I could file, the filing cabinet had to be cleaned out.... not a job I could tackle alone.

So, first things first, we purged the filing cabinet.  Much of what we got rid of was old papers from his Dad's things.  But lots of ours too.

Now, room for the new!  So, as we sorted we purged too.  Such a great feeling!  If there wasn't a file for it, I made one.  We organized and put away.  It took hours!  But we could sit for the most part, so that was good too.

We were exhausted when we were done and the tempers were beginning to flare up.  Rob hates change and gets so easily frustrated.  But he did really well for the most part.

And it's done!!!!  Now as I sit here there are not piles of paperwork staring me in the face!!!!!  I love it!

It reminded me of how I keep my mind and heart and soul cluttered and messy.  Days when I wonder where God is, I have to realize that I've got such a mess, that there is very little room for him in me.  I have to purge, file, and clean me too.  How am I spending my time?  What are my thoughts centered on?  Am I listening for His voice?  Can I hear it with all that is going on?  Learning to clean house is difficult for me.  I use "distractions" to keep myself from going crazy.  It's so easy for me to let my mind wander to the point that I'm not really present at all.  It's an easy way for me to shut out the pain and fatigue.  The TV and computer are escapes for me.  I play computer games for hours some days.  But I rationalize that it's better to keep some busy than to just sit when I haven't the energy for anything else.  It makes me feel better.  So, I do it.  I have to remember though, to stop and let God in.  He is with me and I know it, but there are times, that I am sure He gets frustrated with me and my messy self.  So, when I can, I clean up my mess and open the windows and doors and let the "son" shine in.  And it feels good!

Today I pray that you would find a time to visit with Jesus.  Let Him in and see the difference it can make in your life.  Your illness may not be gone, but He will be with you on the journey.

God Bless,
Elaine

Seeking

What is it about this time of year that makes me so restless?  I am looking forward to spring, but wishing for snow.  It's very warm for this time of year and already trees and plants are starting to bud out.  I am hoping they don't get their little noses chopped off with a hard freeze later... it was 60 degrees day before yesterday and 55 yesterday.  But it was 35 last night.

I wonder if some of the restlessness is coming from memories?  My husband, Rob's, dad died a year ago on Valentine's day.  We had cared for him for 1 1/2 years.  We lived at his house for about a year and then he moved in with us and died here at home.  We had wonderful help from Hospice and could never have done it without them.  I miss him.  And I worry about Rob and his memories.  Will they trigger an increase of his bi-polar depression?  It's so hard to cope with it.  There is so little I can do to help him.  He's already nervous about his surgery on the 2nd for a torn rotator cuff. 


We are cooking and freezing meals ahead so they stress of preparing food will be less for me.  He does most of the cooking, but will be unable to for a while after surgery.  We have to make most of our own food from scratch anyway, so its good to have some ahead.  We make some really great white chili.  We are also making red chili, taco filling, and spaghetti sauce.  It all freezes well.  We do eat lots of legumes:)  We both enjoy them.

I have found that with the increased stress, I'm sleeping less.  I am tired, but wake and can't go back to sleep.  I'm having more trouble going to sleep also.  I am trying very hard to pace myself and rest often.  The underlying anxiety is still there though... I'm crabby and have a hard time being kind.  Ergggg... And I seem to be continually searching, seeking, looking for something that I can't seem to put my hands on.  

So, I go back.  Back to where I know I'm safe and loved.  Back to Jesus who loves me and helps me.  I hold onto Him and in turn, He holds onto me.  It's a wonderful place to be.  Safe in the arms of Jesus.

He has led me to you all and what a blessing that is!  Thank you for sharing your lives with others and in doing so, blessing so many.  I gain strength,   knowledge, and hope from your words. 

Blessings to you all,
Elaine

Missed appointments

I tried.  Oh how I tried... I just could not make my apt yesterday.  I got up, made it to the living room, back to the bedroom and knew.  I simply couldn't do it.  No strength, no energy, no way.  So, I called and cancelled.  I went back to bed and slept another 4 hours.  Felt a bit better, but not much.  Erggggggg.

I hate it when that happens.  I wanted to go, planned to go, and poof, couldn't do it.

Ever have those days?  I have gotten to the point of not making commitments because I never know how I will feel.  Some people understand and some don't.  Sometimes I think if I hear "you don't look sick" one more time I will scream until I have no voice left.  Of course I won't really do that because it takes too much energy. 

I've become an energy saver.  Always thinking about how I can conserve energy and still function.  I try to make one trip out of one room into another with everything I might want or need.  Of course that takes planning and with brain fog like mine, that is a joke too:)  I also have ADD, so that adds to the problem of organization.  I can't tollerate the meds for it, so I just have to make do.  I was diagnosed last summer.  I had always known I was "different" and had to work extra hard to keep up with everything.  It was a relief to know there was a real reason and not just a lack in me.

How do you save energy?  What works for you?  How do you cope when you just "can't"?  I am always interested in what works for others?  I rest, sleep, pray, watch TV, read when I can, and rely on my husband Rob to help me.  Two of our children live close by, but they all work and are super busy.  They help when they can though, and always if I ask.  I also keep talking to a minimum.  It wears on me when I'm down.  There are times when breathing is an effort.  Anyone else ever feel that way?

I also try not to waste my energy on negative feelings.  I have discovered that it takes a lot of energy to be angry or sad.  I try really hard to just not go there.  Or if I do, not to stay there very long.  That helps me too.

This has all made me more dependent on Jesus.  He helps me make it through the days and nights.  He is with me and loves me no matter what.  What a comfort that is!

I hope you are having a great day today.

Blessings,
Elaine