Running. Spinning. Racing from one place to another so fast I've lost where I was. Planning, thinking, trying to decide. Too many choices. Too much to think about. No time to stop. Must not stop. Keep running. Keep moving.
A body that sits so still it might be dead. A mind that can't stop running. Is the mind compensating for the body? Trying to do what the body can't? Afraid to stop. If the mind stops too, then what? Does the body then die? Must not stop thinking about everything. Must not stop.
Exhaustion. From what? Not from moving this body. From running another marathon today. In my mind. Can't stop thinking. Must not stop. Where will this end?
Know I must rest. Know I must pray. Know I must stop thinking and let this mind and body and soul truly rest. So hard to do these days.
Wondering why it's so hard right now? So hard to stop and rest. The running keeps me upright. Keeps me alive. Afraid the mind will leave if I stop.
Fighting. Angry. So disappointed. So tired of trying to hope. So tired of believing I will be better. Each time a new treatment comes around, the hope surges and I think, "is this the one for me"? So tired of trying to live as though I'm well and failing. So tired of being sick.
Wishing and hoping for a new life. For being well. For having a body and mind that works like it should. For being the wife, mom, gma, auntie, etc.... that I want to be. For the shackles of illness to be gone.
Wondering why? Not why me, but why the big picture. Why for all of us who suffer and are ill. What is the purpose in this? What will be accomplished by these illnesses? Are we being shaped and molded into someone new? Are we serving a need?
I KNOW there are better days coming. I have lived this before. Hope and pray. What I live by. My hope in the midst is Jesus Christ. My prayer is that He will be with me. And HE is!
I know that someday I will understand all this. Someday I will be free from the pain, fatigue, frustration, and set free to live the life that was intended for me. I know that in my heart and soul. I know it. I just have to be more patient and wait for it. It may come while I'm still here on earth and it may not. Either way, I will have that precious life. I look forward to it with great anticipation and hope. I am eager for it.
Someday I will achieve those things I'm unable to do now. I will tend to the children in Africa. I will run and not be weary. I will meet the needs of my family. I will be able to do it all!!!!!
I hope and pray that you will find the same peace I've found. Even when I struggle like today, I know in my heart it will all be well with my soul. This body may fail me, but my spirit knows there is so much more than this to be had.
There's a hymn called "It is well with my soul" and I can identify with it especially today. My soul is well. My body doesn't have to be when my soul is well. I hang on to that and I revel in the Grace and Mercy shown to me each and every day. I feel so blessed to know Jesus.
Praying that today is a good day for you. Praying you will find peace and contentment where ever you are this day. Praying God's blessings upon you. Praying for peace for your soul.
Blessings,
Elaine
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Monday, June 27, 2011
Whew, what a week
What a week. It really started the week before the "week" with house cleaning and organizing. Company was coming and there was much to be done. Rob and I cleaned, rested, cleaned, rested... and it looked so much better.
The dates were on the calendar and the plans were made. The meetings and events were set. All was in order. Right?
The days began to run together. The visitors arrived and such joy as always to see them all. The visiting began. And then the uninvited visitors came. With a stench. A large skunk was hit on the road in front of our house and filled our home with a horrible aroma of skunk. The night before the big meeting and the rest of the visitors to arrive. The dogs and I had tears running down our eyes and our noses were pouring. It was late and there was no where to go. It was horrible! Sleep was little and the next day was the big day.
The meeting was set for 10 AM and we held it outside in the driveway so all could see how the road affects our home. Of course the skunk just added some additional flavor to the day. Finally after about 2 hours, Rob couldn't stand it any more and buried it. It helped slightly. That was a Wed.
The meeting was with ODOT and family to discuss the "bridge" project that is taking our yards and exposing us to the highway in a whole new way. Three hours and we came away with no real answers... erggggg...
That night our company was coming into the house from their trailer and saw skunks..... right at the house. Hmmm. Thurs AM there was another one dead on the road. A little one... Wonder if there are more? Yes indeed, Thurs night when another "daughter" came, she saw three more at the steps into our house... Oh dear. Fri the little ones were trying to find their mom we decided. Rob got one and then there were 3. Fri night we went to the retirement celebration and when we got home they were all at the door again... one more gone. Now there are 2.
Sightings of them continue and the smell is all around us. I'm getting pushed to my limit and then some. Sunday after church and visitors left for home, our big dog Fergus catches one. Literally. Oh my....he races into the house (not to be stopped by the likes of me) and STUNK! He had been sprayed and he was trying to rub it off all over the house. Finally drug him out with Rob's help and call our friend the VET tech. She raced over with some great stuff that kills the odor. It really did help. Our little dog was hiding and his eyes were just pouring... He didn't get sprayed, but it was overwhelming. I'd had it by then. I was in tears. No where to rest, the house stunk and the dog needed care. Maybe that was the last one???? Nope, an hour later there was another in the front yard. Rob took care of it and more stench. That made 4. All that we had seen. No one slept well again....
Monday afternoon my son in law calls and says there is one down by their house. Another one?????????? My goodness this mom had a huge litter. And they were so cute... but so stinky. So I took care of that one. Broke my heart, but it would never have survived the coyotes. Yes, we have them too. That made 5. Praying that was all.
Birthday suppers, recitals, picnics, meetings, celebrations, uninvited guests, and invited ones... they were all here at the same time. I'm still reeling from it. But it was a good time. It was family and friends living this life we have been given. And God has supplied me with what I need to handle it. It took nearly all I had and now resting is all I'm doing. But it was indeed one of those times when it was worth "it". I will pay dearly for it, but I am so very thankful for the strength to be able to do this at this time. Resting in the Lord and relying on Him to help me. There are times when my body won't allow for such weeks, but this time it did.
I repeat myself, wander in my musings, and love reading your posts. I am forgetting everything, asking the same questions over and over and trying to remember that the fog will lift and things will become clearer again.
Thanks for letting me ramble.
Oh and one possum caught by the dog for good measure! At least it didn't stink!!
God Bless,
Elaine
The dates were on the calendar and the plans were made. The meetings and events were set. All was in order. Right?
The days began to run together. The visitors arrived and such joy as always to see them all. The visiting began. And then the uninvited visitors came. With a stench. A large skunk was hit on the road in front of our house and filled our home with a horrible aroma of skunk. The night before the big meeting and the rest of the visitors to arrive. The dogs and I had tears running down our eyes and our noses were pouring. It was late and there was no where to go. It was horrible! Sleep was little and the next day was the big day.
The meeting was set for 10 AM and we held it outside in the driveway so all could see how the road affects our home. Of course the skunk just added some additional flavor to the day. Finally after about 2 hours, Rob couldn't stand it any more and buried it. It helped slightly. That was a Wed.
The meeting was with ODOT and family to discuss the "bridge" project that is taking our yards and exposing us to the highway in a whole new way. Three hours and we came away with no real answers... erggggg...
That night our company was coming into the house from their trailer and saw skunks..... right at the house. Hmmm. Thurs AM there was another one dead on the road. A little one... Wonder if there are more? Yes indeed, Thurs night when another "daughter" came, she saw three more at the steps into our house... Oh dear. Fri the little ones were trying to find their mom we decided. Rob got one and then there were 3. Fri night we went to the retirement celebration and when we got home they were all at the door again... one more gone. Now there are 2.
Sightings of them continue and the smell is all around us. I'm getting pushed to my limit and then some. Sunday after church and visitors left for home, our big dog Fergus catches one. Literally. Oh my....he races into the house (not to be stopped by the likes of me) and STUNK! He had been sprayed and he was trying to rub it off all over the house. Finally drug him out with Rob's help and call our friend the VET tech. She raced over with some great stuff that kills the odor. It really did help. Our little dog was hiding and his eyes were just pouring... He didn't get sprayed, but it was overwhelming. I'd had it by then. I was in tears. No where to rest, the house stunk and the dog needed care. Maybe that was the last one???? Nope, an hour later there was another in the front yard. Rob took care of it and more stench. That made 4. All that we had seen. No one slept well again....
Monday afternoon my son in law calls and says there is one down by their house. Another one?????????? My goodness this mom had a huge litter. And they were so cute... but so stinky. So I took care of that one. Broke my heart, but it would never have survived the coyotes. Yes, we have them too. That made 5. Praying that was all.
Birthday suppers, recitals, picnics, meetings, celebrations, uninvited guests, and invited ones... they were all here at the same time. I'm still reeling from it. But it was a good time. It was family and friends living this life we have been given. And God has supplied me with what I need to handle it. It took nearly all I had and now resting is all I'm doing. But it was indeed one of those times when it was worth "it". I will pay dearly for it, but I am so very thankful for the strength to be able to do this at this time. Resting in the Lord and relying on Him to help me. There are times when my body won't allow for such weeks, but this time it did.
I repeat myself, wander in my musings, and love reading your posts. I am forgetting everything, asking the same questions over and over and trying to remember that the fog will lift and things will become clearer again.
Thanks for letting me ramble.
Oh and one possum caught by the dog for good measure! At least it didn't stink!!
God Bless,
Elaine
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Test Results and Ramblings
Happy Tuesday to you all. I finally got all my blood work back. And of course, it all (but one test) looks normal. One of the blood coagulation related tests was abnormal, but that was it. So... no smoking gun:( I knew better than to hope, but what else is there for us but HOPE??
So, we plod along. Wondering if and when the right test or meds or something will come into our lives and make us "well".
There are a few other tests the doc wants to run, but I need to find out if INS will pay for them before I have them done. He's sure that I have underlying infections (as so many of you do) and would like to document that.
I will have my knee replaced as soon as the surgeon can schedule it. It's causing such pain that I really can't walk much even when I feel like it. It interferes with sleep and my daily life. The surgeon said I'd know when it was time and he was right.... its time. I walked down a driveway last week at my cousin's house and nearly collapsed. My knee began to swell immediately and is still giving me fits. Sitting upright is the most comfortable position for my knee at this point. And of course favoring my right knee has caused the left one to act up:( Oh well, the sun is out today and I'm so very thankful for that!!!!!
Our daughter and family found a house they loved and will be moving soon. I will miss them terribly, but they will be only a few miles away. They are next door now..... so nice:) I am very happy for them.
Rob's bi-polar gives him trouble and has been worse lately. I so wish there was a way I could help him! He's out mowing the lawn right now and that will help him some. At least he will get some fresh air and sunshine!
I have so very much to be thankful for. And at least I know now what "it' isn't. And there is some comfort in that. I was just hoping for something to treat and have go away! I am sure you can all relate.
Last Saturday my granddaughter helped me plant some seeds and 5 tomato plants into containers. I will try that this year. Last year the ground was so wet that our garden really didn't do much. The containers will be much easier to manage and care for. We planted some veggies and lots of pretty flowers. I am anxious to see them grow. We even planted some cat grass for her kitties. She was really excited about that. She was a trooper and stayed on task the whole time. She and her brother carried the pots to the spots I'd picked out. It was really a fun time. Of course I have been "resting" since, but it was one of those well worth it times.
Hope and pray you are all doing well and that things will be better for each one of you. I've been thinking about that song I posted some time back. "I will Praise You In This Storm" by Casting Crowns. It gives me hope and sets my heart in the right place. I praise God for all of my life. Even the parts I wish I could change. He knows my name and He knows my heart. I am only able to do this because of Him. How could I not thank Him? Praying His love into your life today.
God Bless,
Elaine
So, we plod along. Wondering if and when the right test or meds or something will come into our lives and make us "well".
There are a few other tests the doc wants to run, but I need to find out if INS will pay for them before I have them done. He's sure that I have underlying infections (as so many of you do) and would like to document that.
I will have my knee replaced as soon as the surgeon can schedule it. It's causing such pain that I really can't walk much even when I feel like it. It interferes with sleep and my daily life. The surgeon said I'd know when it was time and he was right.... its time. I walked down a driveway last week at my cousin's house and nearly collapsed. My knee began to swell immediately and is still giving me fits. Sitting upright is the most comfortable position for my knee at this point. And of course favoring my right knee has caused the left one to act up:( Oh well, the sun is out today and I'm so very thankful for that!!!!!
Our daughter and family found a house they loved and will be moving soon. I will miss them terribly, but they will be only a few miles away. They are next door now..... so nice:) I am very happy for them.
Rob's bi-polar gives him trouble and has been worse lately. I so wish there was a way I could help him! He's out mowing the lawn right now and that will help him some. At least he will get some fresh air and sunshine!
I have so very much to be thankful for. And at least I know now what "it' isn't. And there is some comfort in that. I was just hoping for something to treat and have go away! I am sure you can all relate.
Last Saturday my granddaughter helped me plant some seeds and 5 tomato plants into containers. I will try that this year. Last year the ground was so wet that our garden really didn't do much. The containers will be much easier to manage and care for. We planted some veggies and lots of pretty flowers. I am anxious to see them grow. We even planted some cat grass for her kitties. She was really excited about that. She was a trooper and stayed on task the whole time. She and her brother carried the pots to the spots I'd picked out. It was really a fun time. Of course I have been "resting" since, but it was one of those well worth it times.
Hope and pray you are all doing well and that things will be better for each one of you. I've been thinking about that song I posted some time back. "I will Praise You In This Storm" by Casting Crowns. It gives me hope and sets my heart in the right place. I praise God for all of my life. Even the parts I wish I could change. He knows my name and He knows my heart. I am only able to do this because of Him. How could I not thank Him? Praying His love into your life today.
God Bless,
Elaine
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