Running. Spinning. Racing from one place to another so fast I've lost where I was. Planning, thinking, trying to decide. Too many choices. Too much to think about. No time to stop. Must not stop. Keep running. Keep moving.
A body that sits so still it might be dead. A mind that can't stop running. Is the mind compensating for the body? Trying to do what the body can't? Afraid to stop. If the mind stops too, then what? Does the body then die? Must not stop thinking about everything. Must not stop.
Exhaustion. From what? Not from moving this body. From running another marathon today. In my mind. Can't stop thinking. Must not stop. Where will this end?
Know I must rest. Know I must pray. Know I must stop thinking and let this mind and body and soul truly rest. So hard to do these days.
Wondering why it's so hard right now? So hard to stop and rest. The running keeps me upright. Keeps me alive. Afraid the mind will leave if I stop.
Fighting. Angry. So disappointed. So tired of trying to hope. So tired of believing I will be better. Each time a new treatment comes around, the hope surges and I think, "is this the one for me"? So tired of trying to live as though I'm well and failing. So tired of being sick.
Wishing and hoping for a new life. For being well. For having a body and mind that works like it should. For being the wife, mom, gma, auntie, etc.... that I want to be. For the shackles of illness to be gone.
Wondering why? Not why me, but why the big picture. Why for all of us who suffer and are ill. What is the purpose in this? What will be accomplished by these illnesses? Are we being shaped and molded into someone new? Are we serving a need?
I KNOW there are better days coming. I have lived this before. Hope and pray. What I live by. My hope in the midst is Jesus Christ. My prayer is that He will be with me. And HE is!
I know that someday I will understand all this. Someday I will be free from the pain, fatigue, frustration, and set free to live the life that was intended for me. I know that in my heart and soul. I know it. I just have to be more patient and wait for it. It may come while I'm still here on earth and it may not. Either way, I will have that precious life. I look forward to it with great anticipation and hope. I am eager for it.
Someday I will achieve those things I'm unable to do now. I will tend to the children in Africa. I will run and not be weary. I will meet the needs of my family. I will be able to do it all!!!!!
I hope and pray that you will find the same peace I've found. Even when I struggle like today, I know in my heart it will all be well with my soul. This body may fail me, but my spirit knows there is so much more than this to be had.
There's a hymn called "It is well with my soul" and I can identify with it especially today. My soul is well. My body doesn't have to be when my soul is well. I hang on to that and I revel in the Grace and Mercy shown to me each and every day. I feel so blessed to know Jesus.
Praying that today is a good day for you. Praying you will find peace and contentment where ever you are this day. Praying God's blessings upon you. Praying for peace for your soul.
Blessings,
Elaine
Showing posts with label peace. Show all posts
Showing posts with label peace. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Unintentional Pain
Today I was hit hard with it. Someone was talking about a person who had just had surgery and was unable to walk and he had a garden to plant and things to do. The comment was made that "he will get it done some how, he's such a strong person". I laughed for a moment and then wanted to cry. Immediately the song "you can't keep a good man down" entered my head.
If he can "do" it, in spite of his limitations, then where does that leave me when I can't? How do I measure up? What makes me less able to overcome my limitations when all around me there are those who "work through the pain....."
I was happy for the person who was able. I honestly was. But at that moment I felt that old pain of not measuring up. If I was good enough, this disease would not control me..... I would just make myself keep going wouldn't I?
I wanted to shout out that it's not always possible to keep going. My body shuts down and says enough and stops. Willpower and being good have NOTHING to do with what I can and can't do. I have tried pushing hard and paid a heavy price for my actions. Occasionally I make the decision to "do it anyway" and pay the price. Sometimes its worth it.... I know I've mentioned some of this before. I've been measuring, weighing, and parceling out my "energies" for so long that it is just second nature now.
But then along comes those "times". When breathing is an effort. Walking is a shuffle and a short one at that. (Do I really need to go to the bathroom or can it wait another hour)..... I know I haven't been drinking my water, but I would have to walk to the kitchen to get a drink... besides, if I drink, I will have to get up more often.......
It sounds like some of you are hurting too. The weight of our illnesses can be overwhelming at times. The pain of our losses too great. Our hope seems to have been robbed from us. And we are left with only our thoughts.
What a lonely place that can be!
But there is a hope and His name is Jesus. He will meet us there in that lonely place and hold us close. He will nurture us and give us all that we need to survive. He will renew our spirit and give us joy. He may not heal our bodies, but He will heal our minds and our souls. He will make us complete. And even if our bodies are not healed, we have the knowledge that one day they will be. There is a place called Heaven where there is no more pain or suffering. We will run and dance. We will do all those things that we are unable to do right now. We must hold on to the faith and know that even though we are tired and sick now, those better days are coming!
Hold on my friends. Jesus is coming! We can make it. He will give us the strength needed to face each and every day until He calls us home.
God Bless You All!
Elaine
If he can "do" it, in spite of his limitations, then where does that leave me when I can't? How do I measure up? What makes me less able to overcome my limitations when all around me there are those who "work through the pain....."
I was happy for the person who was able. I honestly was. But at that moment I felt that old pain of not measuring up. If I was good enough, this disease would not control me..... I would just make myself keep going wouldn't I?
I wanted to shout out that it's not always possible to keep going. My body shuts down and says enough and stops. Willpower and being good have NOTHING to do with what I can and can't do. I have tried pushing hard and paid a heavy price for my actions. Occasionally I make the decision to "do it anyway" and pay the price. Sometimes its worth it.... I know I've mentioned some of this before. I've been measuring, weighing, and parceling out my "energies" for so long that it is just second nature now.
But then along comes those "times". When breathing is an effort. Walking is a shuffle and a short one at that. (Do I really need to go to the bathroom or can it wait another hour)..... I know I haven't been drinking my water, but I would have to walk to the kitchen to get a drink... besides, if I drink, I will have to get up more often.......
It sounds like some of you are hurting too. The weight of our illnesses can be overwhelming at times. The pain of our losses too great. Our hope seems to have been robbed from us. And we are left with only our thoughts.
What a lonely place that can be!
But there is a hope and His name is Jesus. He will meet us there in that lonely place and hold us close. He will nurture us and give us all that we need to survive. He will renew our spirit and give us joy. He may not heal our bodies, but He will heal our minds and our souls. He will make us complete. And even if our bodies are not healed, we have the knowledge that one day they will be. There is a place called Heaven where there is no more pain or suffering. We will run and dance. We will do all those things that we are unable to do right now. We must hold on to the faith and know that even though we are tired and sick now, those better days are coming!
Hold on my friends. Jesus is coming! We can make it. He will give us the strength needed to face each and every day until He calls us home.
God Bless You All!
Elaine
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Seeing Invisible People
I had a very interesting day yesterday. I had a counseling appointment and I was early. In the building there is a prayer room. I had never had time to enter into it before. As I went in, I felt a peace and a calm within my soul. I spent about 15 minutes there, reading some of what other people had left behind, looking and praying. I had a wonderful counseling session afterwards.
I had to get dog food and found I was too tired to drive home. I went into a local sandwich shop and had a snack. As I was sitting there, reading the local paper and eating, a man stopped and started a conversation with me. I was a bit taken aback, but he looked harmless and after all, I was inside a shop with people all around me.
He started to talk about newspapers and how he had worked for many different ones over the years. He had written lots of articles, published his church's newsletter, and done many other things associated with newspapers. It was interesting to talk to him and mostly I listened.
He began to tell me his story. He had been the victim of a vicious mugging that left him near death. He had a profound awakening and decided to live his life for God instead of people. He had not been a believer before his mugging. He shared about his experience and his life since. His wife has cystic fibrosis and had he died, she would have been sent to a nursing home. He wears a hat due to all the scarring on his head from his many surgeries. He has limited use of his right hand, but is thankful for every day now here on earth. He is happy to be caring for his wife, even though he has to walk everywhere as his license was revoked.
As I listened to his story, I was overcome with joy. He shared his faith walk, his views, and mostly just wanted to be heard. He had so much to share and was so open and honest. And yet, to the casual eye, he "looked normal". He looked "well". And God spoke to me through him. There are so many people who have a bigger story to tell. We are so busy and involved with our lives, that they often are overlooked. Those of us with invisible illnesses are often simply ignored by those whose lives are busy and full. I could have missed a chance to hear his story and share his life. I could have been afraid and ignored him. I could have missed his faith story. I could have missed God.
But because I could relate and identify with him, I didn't. I heard his cry to be heard and to have someone listen. He carries a huge burden caring for his wife. He is isolated much of the time. But he does it with joy and with love. He values each day and wants to share as much of Jesus with others as he can. He might be different, but he is still human and has human needs. He has value and has purpose. He is invisible to many, but a jewel in God's eyes.
So are we my friends. We have value. No matter whether we can get out of bed, off the couch, out of the house, or not, we have value. We need to remember that. When we are down and out, we need to remember that we are exactly where we are supposed to be, doing exactly what we are supposed to be doing. There is a purpose to our lives, even when we can't see it.
As I drove home, rested and renewed, filled with joy and peace, I found my strength returning, my hope surging and my life full.
I got home and greeted my dear husband and dogs. I was tired and found myself totally relaxed. I took a two hour nap and woke ready to tackle the rest of the day.
I didn't feel invisible yesterday. I felt full. My heart sang and my soul rejoiced. Today, those feelings are still with me. I am here and I will do my best to continue to do whatever I am called to do.
I hope and pray that in the midst of your day, you will find a place of value and purpose. That you will be filled with joy, hope, and peace. That your cup would run over and you would have more than you need.
Blessings to you all today.
Elaine
I had to get dog food and found I was too tired to drive home. I went into a local sandwich shop and had a snack. As I was sitting there, reading the local paper and eating, a man stopped and started a conversation with me. I was a bit taken aback, but he looked harmless and after all, I was inside a shop with people all around me.
He started to talk about newspapers and how he had worked for many different ones over the years. He had written lots of articles, published his church's newsletter, and done many other things associated with newspapers. It was interesting to talk to him and mostly I listened.
He began to tell me his story. He had been the victim of a vicious mugging that left him near death. He had a profound awakening and decided to live his life for God instead of people. He had not been a believer before his mugging. He shared about his experience and his life since. His wife has cystic fibrosis and had he died, she would have been sent to a nursing home. He wears a hat due to all the scarring on his head from his many surgeries. He has limited use of his right hand, but is thankful for every day now here on earth. He is happy to be caring for his wife, even though he has to walk everywhere as his license was revoked.
As I listened to his story, I was overcome with joy. He shared his faith walk, his views, and mostly just wanted to be heard. He had so much to share and was so open and honest. And yet, to the casual eye, he "looked normal". He looked "well". And God spoke to me through him. There are so many people who have a bigger story to tell. We are so busy and involved with our lives, that they often are overlooked. Those of us with invisible illnesses are often simply ignored by those whose lives are busy and full. I could have missed a chance to hear his story and share his life. I could have been afraid and ignored him. I could have missed his faith story. I could have missed God.
But because I could relate and identify with him, I didn't. I heard his cry to be heard and to have someone listen. He carries a huge burden caring for his wife. He is isolated much of the time. But he does it with joy and with love. He values each day and wants to share as much of Jesus with others as he can. He might be different, but he is still human and has human needs. He has value and has purpose. He is invisible to many, but a jewel in God's eyes.
So are we my friends. We have value. No matter whether we can get out of bed, off the couch, out of the house, or not, we have value. We need to remember that. When we are down and out, we need to remember that we are exactly where we are supposed to be, doing exactly what we are supposed to be doing. There is a purpose to our lives, even when we can't see it.
As I drove home, rested and renewed, filled with joy and peace, I found my strength returning, my hope surging and my life full.
I got home and greeted my dear husband and dogs. I was tired and found myself totally relaxed. I took a two hour nap and woke ready to tackle the rest of the day.
I didn't feel invisible yesterday. I felt full. My heart sang and my soul rejoiced. Today, those feelings are still with me. I am here and I will do my best to continue to do whatever I am called to do.
I hope and pray that in the midst of your day, you will find a place of value and purpose. That you will be filled with joy, hope, and peace. That your cup would run over and you would have more than you need.
Blessings to you all today.
Elaine
Saturday, January 8, 2011
A New Day
Hello to you all today.
I love knowing that each day we have the opportunity to start again. It's such a gift. I never know what is ahead and I like it that way. I think I would give up if I knew ahead of time.....
This has been one of the longest stretches of pain and fatigue I've had in a long time. The Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue are fighting me hard. But I've been able to rest and my dear husband, Rob, is doing his best to take care of me. I'm getting better at asking him for what I need. For so long I hesitated to ask... pride is an ugly thing!
He has his own problems. He has heart trouble and has a torn rotator cuff (in three places) on his shoulder and is bi-polar. Some days its like the blind leading the blind at our house. We are trying to find peace in our midst.
We have great kids and they are very supportive and that helps too. And we have our faith. We couldn't make it through this without God almighty on our side!
I found an article today written by Christine Miserandino. Its called "The Spoon Theory". I had never read it before. I really liked the way she explained her illness. Here is a link to the site: http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory-written-by-christine-miserandino/. The only thing I would add to it is that somedays, I start out with no spoons and have nothing to spend. These are the days I lean even harder on Jesus and rely on Him completely. I take Him at His word that He will be with me always. These moments are a precious balm to a wounded body and soul.
I hope and pray that today has been a good one for you and that you will find peace in Jesus.
Blessings to you,
Elaine
I love knowing that each day we have the opportunity to start again. It's such a gift. I never know what is ahead and I like it that way. I think I would give up if I knew ahead of time.....
This has been one of the longest stretches of pain and fatigue I've had in a long time. The Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue are fighting me hard. But I've been able to rest and my dear husband, Rob, is doing his best to take care of me. I'm getting better at asking him for what I need. For so long I hesitated to ask... pride is an ugly thing!
He has his own problems. He has heart trouble and has a torn rotator cuff (in three places) on his shoulder and is bi-polar. Some days its like the blind leading the blind at our house. We are trying to find peace in our midst.
We have great kids and they are very supportive and that helps too. And we have our faith. We couldn't make it through this without God almighty on our side!
I found an article today written by Christine Miserandino. Its called "The Spoon Theory". I had never read it before. I really liked the way she explained her illness. Here is a link to the site: http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory-written-by-christine-miserandino/. The only thing I would add to it is that somedays, I start out with no spoons and have nothing to spend. These are the days I lean even harder on Jesus and rely on Him completely. I take Him at His word that He will be with me always. These moments are a precious balm to a wounded body and soul.
I hope and pray that today has been a good one for you and that you will find peace in Jesus.
Blessings to you,
Elaine
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