Sunday, April 17, 2011

Unintentional Pain

Today I was hit hard with it.  Someone was talking about a person who had just had surgery and was unable to walk and he had a garden to plant and things to do.  The comment was made that "he will get it done some how, he's such a strong person".  I laughed for a moment and then wanted to cry.  Immediately the song "you can't keep a good man down" entered my head.

If he can "do" it, in spite of his limitations, then where does that leave me when I can't?  How do I measure up?  What makes me less able to overcome my limitations when all around me there are those who "work through the pain....."

I was happy for the person who was able.  I honestly was.  But at that moment I felt that old pain of not measuring up.  If I was good enough, this disease would not control me..... I would just make myself keep going wouldn't I?

I wanted to shout out that it's not always  possible to keep going.  My body shuts down and says enough and stops.  Willpower and being good have NOTHING to do with what I can and can't do.  I have tried pushing hard and paid a heavy price for my actions.  Occasionally I make the decision to "do it anyway" and pay the price.  Sometimes its worth it.... I know I've mentioned some of this before.  I've been measuring, weighing, and parceling out my "energies" for so long that it is just second nature now. 

But then along comes those "times".  When breathing is an effort.  Walking is a shuffle and a short one at that.  (Do I really need to go to the bathroom or can it wait another hour).....  I know I haven't been drinking my water, but I would have to walk to the kitchen to get a drink... besides, if I drink, I will have to get up more often.......

It sounds like some of you are hurting too.  The weight of our illnesses can be overwhelming at times.  The pain of our losses too great.  Our hope seems to have been robbed from us.  And we are left with only our thoughts. 

What a lonely place that can be!

But there is a hope and His name is Jesus.  He will meet us there in that lonely place and hold us close.  He will nurture us and give us all that we need to survive.  He will renew our spirit and give us joy.  He may not heal our bodies, but He will heal our minds and our souls.  He will make us complete.  And even if our bodies are not healed, we have the knowledge that one day they will be.  There is a place called Heaven where there is no more pain or suffering.  We will run and dance.  We will do all those things that we are unable to do right now.  We must hold on to the faith and know that even though we are tired and sick now, those better days are coming!

Hold on my friends.  Jesus is coming!  We can make it.  He will give us the strength needed to face each and every day until He calls us home.

God Bless You All!



  1. Beautiful post Elaine...I neede to be reminded here and in your comment on my blog that Jesus is with us...always..and some day if not here we will be pain free. What you share here is what so many of us experience. Being alone with our thoughts can be lonely and I like what the cartoon character Maxine says...Dont believe everything you think.....
    Sending hugs your way.....I am so glad you are a part of our blogging community. You have blessed me beyond measure, friend. THank you...

  2. PS
    THinking about this I wanted to say that we know what happens when we put too hard. I did that for years and ended up housebound and so very ill due to pushing and crashing. My body finally just quit on me and has never come back to that level again. People don't get that though.....Especially when we look healthy on the outside...unless you are looking for the signs.

  3. That's the problem with CFS, it isn't like any other kind of illness that you can push through like that. I've often thought that I can deal with the pain, it's merely a nuisance -- it's the fatigue that makes you feel like you're wading through tar and the payback from exertion that I hate. There is no way to "measure up," because there is no comparison. Don't let yourself get caught up in false comparisons.

    Hugs and prayers for you today.

  4. I agree with Renee and Shelli -

    I had a good friend come by yesterday for a short visit. When she hear how poorly I was doing, she responded by saying, "Dominique, I think you just need to be checked into a hospital for a week, hooked up to an IV, and get your fluids built back up and then your will feel much better."

    I actually didn't respond emotionally or verbally which is huge for me.

    But I thought, what an awful thing to say. (smile)

    We have two options. Pace and have a semblance or normalcy or push and risk the possibility of a permanent relaspe.

    Others may not understand that but, like you so perfectly stated, Jesus does.

    And all of us in this community do.

  5. Renee,
    Thanks so much. I know I pushed too hard for so long and finally just couldn't "do" anything. I have improved some over time and am very blessed! And you are right, others can't see what is inside of us...

    Thanks so much for supporting me. I appreciate it so much!

    God Bless.

  6. Shelli,
    Thanks so much. You are right, we can't compare and I need to stop trying to "Justify" my actions (or lack there of:))to others.

    The fatigue is by far the worst enemy for me too. The pain I have learned to live with. But that fatigue is not something I can get used to...

    God Bless.

  7. Dominique,
    I am amazed that you held yourself back. If that comment had been directed to me, I am not sure what I might have said or done:( I try to remember that others simply can't understand and say things that they don't realize might effect others... I know I'm guilty of that at times.

    So very glad to have all of you and God too:)