Today I was hit hard with it. Someone was talking about a person who had just had surgery and was unable to walk and he had a garden to plant and things to do. The comment was made that "he will get it done some how, he's such a strong person". I laughed for a moment and then wanted to cry. Immediately the song "you can't keep a good man down" entered my head.
If he can "do" it, in spite of his limitations, then where does that leave me when I can't? How do I measure up? What makes me less able to overcome my limitations when all around me there are those who "work through the pain....."
I was happy for the person who was able. I honestly was. But at that moment I felt that old pain of not measuring up. If I was good enough, this disease would not control me..... I would just make myself keep going wouldn't I?
I wanted to shout out that it's not always possible to keep going. My body shuts down and says enough and stops. Willpower and being good have NOTHING to do with what I can and can't do. I have tried pushing hard and paid a heavy price for my actions. Occasionally I make the decision to "do it anyway" and pay the price. Sometimes its worth it.... I know I've mentioned some of this before. I've been measuring, weighing, and parceling out my "energies" for so long that it is just second nature now.
But then along comes those "times". When breathing is an effort. Walking is a shuffle and a short one at that. (Do I really need to go to the bathroom or can it wait another hour)..... I know I haven't been drinking my water, but I would have to walk to the kitchen to get a drink... besides, if I drink, I will have to get up more often.......
It sounds like some of you are hurting too. The weight of our illnesses can be overwhelming at times. The pain of our losses too great. Our hope seems to have been robbed from us. And we are left with only our thoughts.
What a lonely place that can be!
But there is a hope and His name is Jesus. He will meet us there in that lonely place and hold us close. He will nurture us and give us all that we need to survive. He will renew our spirit and give us joy. He may not heal our bodies, but He will heal our minds and our souls. He will make us complete. And even if our bodies are not healed, we have the knowledge that one day they will be. There is a place called Heaven where there is no more pain or suffering. We will run and dance. We will do all those things that we are unable to do right now. We must hold on to the faith and know that even though we are tired and sick now, those better days are coming!
Hold on my friends. Jesus is coming! We can make it. He will give us the strength needed to face each and every day until He calls us home.
God Bless You All!