Thursday, May 26, 2011

Is it spring yet or hold onto that thought!

Another wet, cool day here.  I am so very tired of this weather, but when I complain, I only have to think of those who have lost everything with the tornadoes, floods, fires, earthquakes, volcanoes..... and I am humbled and know that a little rain and cool temps won't hurt me at all.  So, I will stop complaining about the weather!

My little pots of flowers and veggies are coming along nicely.  The peas are up and the tomatoes are doing well.  Many of the containers of flowers are doing very well too.  Some didn't come up at all, but then I was using old seeds...

I have been fighting severe anxiety lately.  I KNOW I need to trust and rest in Jesus, but for some reason, I've just not been able to do it.  I am trying so hard. 

I think it may be that there are so many things going on right now.  Things that are totally out of my control.  It appears that the state is finally moving on the bridge project and they set out markers yesterday.  The temporary easement is 18 feet from our house.  The permanent one is about 22 feet.  They will take ALL the trees and hedge out in front (facing the road) (a state hwy-very busy) and we will be like sitting ducks for all to view.  I am very distressed about this.  We will also loose all our shade trees.  The safety issue bothers me greatly.  We have had several fatal accidents in front of and near our home and with no trees, they will be in our house.  My brother is coming in June and we will all have a meeting with the state to start negotiations with them.  Nothing is in stone yet.  We were hoping that they would buy us out rather than leave us just feet from the work zone (two years  of noise and activity).  I am not sure either one of us can handle it.  Noise is not a good thing for either of us.  Please pray for us.

I hurt my arm earlier this month and it is healing slowly.  The doc thinks I strained a muscle.  It's been very painful.

I am going to have my knee replacement sometime this summer.  It has gotten to the point of no return. 

I've been fighting the fatigue and more pain as of late.  I am pushing to do some of the things I value and of course I am paying for it, but its worth it.  I went to the school for grandparents day and had a wonderful time.  We have been watching gkids often and carting them to activities too.  This is such a busy time for all the adults with school grinding to an end.  We have three birthdays in May.  (grand kids)  The ballet recital is coming up as is the music recital.  I try to attend them. 

I did have a wonderful visit with my counselor and she helped me put things into perspective.  She is a fantastic Christian woman.

As you can tell from this post, part of my trouble is that I can't keep a thought long enough to do anything with it...

I've been having fun watching the birds and squirrels in our yard.

And I'm doing my very best to rest in the arms of Jesus and allow Him to take my burdens and hold them for me. 

Blessings to you all,

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

A Good Day

Yesterday was one of those.  A very good day.  I slept well the night before, and that always make such a difference for me.  I rested in the morning and about noonish Rob and I got started on a "project".  He was having a good day too!

We are not good about putting papers away.  We had let them pile up for a year.  Yes, a year or more.......  I had no idea where anything was, and while Rob said he knew, I was beginning to doubt that too. 

I had been bothered by the increasing piles on the desk and filing cabinet for months now, but knew that before I could file, the filing cabinet had to be cleaned out.... not a job I could tackle alone.

So, first things first, we purged the filing cabinet.  Much of what we got rid of was old papers from his Dad's things.  But lots of ours too.

Now, room for the new!  So, as we sorted we purged too.  Such a great feeling!  If there wasn't a file for it, I made one.  We organized and put away.  It took hours!  But we could sit for the most part, so that was good too.

We were exhausted when we were done and the tempers were beginning to flare up.  Rob hates change and gets so easily frustrated.  But he did really well for the most part.

And it's done!!!!  Now as I sit here there are not piles of paperwork staring me in the face!!!!!  I love it!

It reminded me of how I keep my mind and heart and soul cluttered and messy.  Days when I wonder where God is, I have to realize that I've got such a mess, that there is very little room for him in me.  I have to purge, file, and clean me too.  How am I spending my time?  What are my thoughts centered on?  Am I listening for His voice?  Can I hear it with all that is going on?  Learning to clean house is difficult for me.  I use "distractions" to keep myself from going crazy.  It's so easy for me to let my mind wander to the point that I'm not really present at all.  It's an easy way for me to shut out the pain and fatigue.  The TV and computer are escapes for me.  I play computer games for hours some days.  But I rationalize that it's better to keep some busy than to just sit when I haven't the energy for anything else.  It makes me feel better.  So, I do it.  I have to remember though, to stop and let God in.  He is with me and I know it, but there are times, that I am sure He gets frustrated with me and my messy self.  So, when I can, I clean up my mess and open the windows and doors and let the "son" shine in.  And it feels good!

Today I pray that you would find a time to visit with Jesus.  Let Him in and see the difference it can make in your life.  Your illness may not be gone, but He will be with you on the journey.

God Bless,

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Test Results and Ramblings

Happy Tuesday to you all.  I finally got all my blood work back.  And of course, it all (but one test) looks normal.  One of the blood coagulation related tests was abnormal, but that was it.  So... no smoking gun:(  I knew better than to hope, but what else is there for us but HOPE?? 

So, we plod along.  Wondering if and when the right test or meds or something will come into our lives and make us "well". 

There are a few other tests the doc wants to run, but I need to find out if INS will pay for them before I have them done.  He's sure that I have underlying infections (as so many of you do) and would like to document that. 

I will have my knee replaced as soon as the surgeon can schedule it.  It's causing such pain that I really can't walk much even when I feel like it. It interferes with sleep and my daily life.  The surgeon said I'd know when it was time and he was right.... its time.  I walked down a driveway last week at my cousin's house and nearly collapsed.  My knee began to swell immediately and is still giving me fits.  Sitting upright is the most comfortable position for my knee at this point.  And of course favoring my right knee has caused the left one to act up:(  Oh well, the sun is out today and I'm so very thankful for that!!!!!

Our daughter and family found a house they loved and will be moving soon.  I will miss them terribly, but they will be only a few miles away.  They are next door now.....  so nice:)  I am very happy for them. 

Rob's bi-polar gives him trouble and has been worse lately.  I so wish there was a way I could help him!  He's out mowing the lawn right now and that will help him some.  At least he will get some fresh air and sunshine!

I have so very much to be thankful for.  And at least I know now what "it' isn't.  And there is some comfort in that.  I was just hoping for something to treat and have go away!  I am sure you can all relate.

Last Saturday my granddaughter helped me plant some seeds and 5 tomato plants into containers.  I will try that this year.  Last year the ground was so wet that our garden really didn't do much.  The containers will be much easier to manage and care for.  We planted some veggies and lots of pretty flowers.  I am anxious to see them grow.  We even planted some cat grass for her kitties.  She was really excited about that.  She was a trooper and stayed on task the whole time.  She and her brother carried the pots to the spots I'd picked out.  It was really a fun time.  Of course I have been "resting" since, but it was one of those well worth it times. 

Hope and pray you are all doing well and that things will be better for each one of you.  I've been thinking about that song I posted some time back.  "I will Praise You In This Storm" by Casting Crowns.  It gives me hope and sets my heart in the right place.  I praise God for all of my life.  Even the parts I wish I could change.  He knows my name and He knows my heart.  I am only able to do this because of Him.  How could I not thank Him?  Praying His love into your life today.

God Bless,