Still hoping in the Midst

Happy Saturday to you.  We are finally out of the cold and rain here.  That should help us all to feel a bit better.

These past weeks (months) have been increasingly difficult for me.  The emotional stress of so many things are wreaking havoc with me.  We have no news on the property, which means we have no news about moving.  DH's bi-polar has been worse.  My brother is not recovering as we had all hoped. (Back in the hospital as I write this).  Gaining weight. My new knee is still not doing what it is supposed to .... and the list goes on and on.

I'm not trying to get sympathy.  I just decided to be honest.  My pain is bad.  My emotional state is worse.  DH and I are really not able to help each other much and that makes things worse. 

I've realized I was trying to live as if I were "well" again.  I have pushed, pulled, prodded, and pushed again so hard that my body is rebelling.  I'm down to about one thing a week for activity.  Phone calls are wearing me out.  I called my son last night and found I had nothing to talk about.  My life feels very empty right now.

I know I have many things to be thankful for and I do thank God daily for all His blessings.  It just doesn't seem to make me feel any better. 

I wake with hope and then I put one foot down and the other and the day has begun.  Exhaustion sets in and I'm done before I ever get started. 

Eating is a challenge as I have so little energy.  I want all soft food.  I have no energy to cook and neither does hubby.  Chewing is work these days. 

I start to do something and sometimes I don't even make it out of the chair before I'm too tired to manage to accomplish anything.  I know it sounds like I'm very depressed and honestly I'm just so tired.  Too tired to function.  The fatigue has always been worse than the pain for me.  I hurt, but the fatigue weighs me down so badly.

I've not felt this badly in quite some time.  That emotional spiral downward is terrible.  It takes such a toll on a person.  It plays games with you and tries to make you give up.

Well, I wont'.  I am as sick as I've been in such a long time, but I refuse to give up.  I will continue to smile as often as possible, take steps to improve, and learn to be much kinder to myself in this process.  I have begun hating who I am again and I must stop that.  I must be nice to me!  It does no good to dislike myself.  And it doesn't help anyone else either. 

I will still look for the hope in the midst.  In the midst of life.  We ALL have so many struggles.  I am not unique in that area.  I choose life.  I choose to live.  Right now I have to  take it very easy and be kind to me and my DH.  I choose to continue to trust God and know that even when I can't see or hear HIM, HE is with me.

That is where my hope comes from. 

So happy to have you all in my "midst"

Blessings,
Elaine

Surgery

I just wanted to let you know that I'm having my right knee replaced on Monday, Dec. 5th.  It has needed to be done for several years now and this is not the perfect time, but I am going to do it anyway.  The pain has gotten to the point I'm not moving around unless I must.  It hurts so bad all the time.  Coupled with my fibro and CFS I'm miserable. 

I would appreciate good thought and prayers.  It will be a challenging month ahead for us.  Rob is already concerned about his ability to care for me... I will need assistance for about 2 weeks to move from bed to wherever.... PT will start the day after surgery and last about 2 months or so, depending on how I do. 

I will come home Thurs or Fri if all goes well.  If not, I will go to a nursing facility for a bit before coming home.

It's a crazy, busy time to be down, but at least I will be getting it behind me.

Please pray for my brother who is most likely having surgery on Dec 8th to put an L-VAD in his heart.  Without it, he is in end stage heart failure.  Hoping and praying it will go well and that he will make it through fine.  I so want to be there with him.  He's in Salt Lake City at the transplant hospital.

Thanks so much for being so supportive and loving to me.  I have found such a comfort in your blogs.

God Bless and Merry Christmas to you all!

Some new and interesting work on Fibro/ CFS/ Lyme/ etc.....

Hi to you all.  I wanted to share this info with you today.  This comes to me from my specialist so I trust the source.  A totally new to me way of thinking and treating these horrible conditions.

http://www.iadvocatehealth.org/protozoal_infection0.aspx


Hope you find this interesting.  I sure did:) 

Blessings to you today and always!

Elaine

We did it!

We really did!  We drove to MT and back this past week.  My brother is quite ill and lives in MT.  We live in Oregon.  So my dear husband did all the driving and we made the trip. 

God went before us with weather and road conditions.  He was with us every step of the way and we actually had NO close calls!  Amazing for a long trip like this.  Just about 1,000 miles each way. 

Our dear family stepped up and cared for our dogs for us.  We stayed in motels and then 4 nights with my brother and his wife.  His heart is failing him.  They will go to Salt Lake City on Nov. 15th for another evaluation for either a heart transplant or another procedure to install "hard ware" that will assist his heart.  There is the chance that they can do "nothing" more for him.

We had a wonderful visit.  I rested up the week before the trip and slept quite a bit while there. 

They have satellite TV so I could watch HGTV and just relax when my brother was resting. 

We did do some sight seeing.  One day we went to a museum and saw the Pulitzer Prize photos.  It was a real eye opener.  Another day we visited another museum and here is the link: bairfamilymuseum.org/    It was an incredible place to visit and we loved it!  We didn't have to drive so I rested in the car each way. 

I have no idea why the font changed:)

We arrived home about 4 PM today.  It was totally worth the effort.  I can crash later:)  I wanted to see my brother so badly.  I love his wife very much too. 

It was an incredible trip.

If  you are the praying type, please pray for them.  They have some hard choices ahead.

Hope you had a great day today!

Blessings,
Elaine

Running in place

Running.  Spinning.  Racing from one place to another so fast I've lost where I was.  Planning, thinking, trying to decide.  Too many choices.  Too much to think about.  No time to stop.  Must not stop.  Keep running.  Keep moving. 

A body that sits so still it might be dead.  A mind that can't stop running. Is the mind compensating for the body?  Trying to do what the body can't?  Afraid to stop.  If the mind stops too, then what?  Does the body then die?  Must not stop thinking about everything.  Must not stop.

Exhaustion.  From what?  Not from moving this body.  From running another marathon today.  In my mind.  Can't stop thinking.  Must not stop.  Where will this end?

Know I must rest.  Know I must pray.  Know I must stop thinking and let this mind and body and soul truly rest.  So hard to do these days. 

Wondering why it's so hard right now?  So hard to stop and rest.  The running keeps me upright.  Keeps me alive.  Afraid the mind will leave if I stop. 

Fighting.  Angry.  So disappointed.  So tired of trying to hope.  So tired of believing I will be better.  Each time a new treatment comes around, the hope surges and I think, "is this the one for me"?  So tired of trying to live as though I'm well and failing.  So tired of being sick. 

Wishing and hoping for a new life.  For being well.  For having a body and mind that works like it should.  For being the wife, mom, gma, auntie, etc.... that I want to be.  For the shackles of illness to be gone. 

Wondering why?  Not why me, but why the big picture.  Why for all of us who suffer and are ill.  What is the purpose in this?  What will be accomplished by these illnesses?  Are we being shaped and molded into someone new?  Are we serving a need? 

 
I KNOW there are better days coming.  I have lived this before.  Hope and pray.  What I live by.  My hope in the midst is Jesus Christ.  My prayer is that He will be with me.  And HE is! 

I know that someday I will understand all this.  Someday I will be free from the pain, fatigue, frustration, and set free to live the life that was intended for me.  I know that in my heart and soul.  I know it.  I just have to be more patient and wait for it.  It may come while I'm still here on earth and it may not.  Either way, I will have that precious life.  I look forward to it with great anticipation and hope.  I am eager for it. 

Someday I will achieve those things I'm unable to do now.  I will tend to the children in Africa.  I will run and not be weary.  I will meet the needs of my family.  I will be able to do it all!!!!!

I hope and pray that you will find the same peace I've found.  Even when I struggle like today, I know in my heart it will all be well with my soul.  This body may fail me, but my spirit knows there is so much more than this to be had. 

There's a hymn called "It is well with my soul" and I can identify with it especially today.  My soul is well.  My body doesn't have to be when my soul is well.  I hang on to that and I revel in the Grace and Mercy shown to me each and every day.  I feel so blessed to know Jesus.

Praying that today is a good day for you.  Praying you will find peace and contentment where ever you are this day.  Praying God's blessings upon you.  Praying for peace for your soul.

Blessings,
Elaine

Is stress contagious?

Lately I've been wondering about stress.  I seem to suffer from it and when things get really busy, I find myself grinding my teeth, tensing up, not sleeping well, etc.....

For example:  Our daughter and SIL and family have purchased a new home.  They needed to do some remodeling and as the deadline for them to be out of the current home approaches (Aug 1st), I find myself getting caught up in all of the action.  I so want to help and am trying my best to do so.  Mostly I'm caring for their children as they are feeling the stress of the move.  (They currently live next door to us and always have). 

The remodel is behind schedule and my daughter is feeling the stress.  She has worked so very hard all summer on it.  The mom in me wants to make it all better by shouldering some of the load.  I tried---- it backfired:(  as always.

But here I am.  Stressed because I can't "do", stressed because I did "do" and am in much more pain and fatigue, stressed because my hubby is trying hard to help too and it causes him pain and emotional stress.... and on and on.

So, I'm wondering what you do when stressed?  Especially when you can't remove the thing that is causing it?  (the move)  Living with someone who has severe depression.... trying to show all the gkids the same attention.... etc...
It was horse fair time too, so two trips to the fair to watch the oldest gson. 


Any suggestions you could offer would be greatly appreciated!

Hope your day is going well.

Blessings to you all,
Elaine

Test Results and Ramblings

Happy Tuesday to you all.  I finally got all my blood work back.  And of course, it all (but one test) looks normal.  One of the blood coagulation related tests was abnormal, but that was it.  So... no smoking gun:(  I knew better than to hope, but what else is there for us but HOPE?? 

So, we plod along.  Wondering if and when the right test or meds or something will come into our lives and make us "well". 

There are a few other tests the doc wants to run, but I need to find out if INS will pay for them before I have them done.  He's sure that I have underlying infections (as so many of you do) and would like to document that. 

I will have my knee replaced as soon as the surgeon can schedule it.  It's causing such pain that I really can't walk much even when I feel like it. It interferes with sleep and my daily life.  The surgeon said I'd know when it was time and he was right.... its time.  I walked down a driveway last week at my cousin's house and nearly collapsed.  My knee began to swell immediately and is still giving me fits.  Sitting upright is the most comfortable position for my knee at this point.  And of course favoring my right knee has caused the left one to act up:(  Oh well, the sun is out today and I'm so very thankful for that!!!!!

Our daughter and family found a house they loved and will be moving soon.  I will miss them terribly, but they will be only a few miles away.  They are next door now.....  so nice:)  I am very happy for them. 

Rob's bi-polar gives him trouble and has been worse lately.  I so wish there was a way I could help him!  He's out mowing the lawn right now and that will help him some.  At least he will get some fresh air and sunshine!

I have so very much to be thankful for.  And at least I know now what "it' isn't.  And there is some comfort in that.  I was just hoping for something to treat and have go away!  I am sure you can all relate.

Last Saturday my granddaughter helped me plant some seeds and 5 tomato plants into containers.  I will try that this year.  Last year the ground was so wet that our garden really didn't do much.  The containers will be much easier to manage and care for.  We planted some veggies and lots of pretty flowers.  I am anxious to see them grow.  We even planted some cat grass for her kitties.  She was really excited about that.  She was a trooper and stayed on task the whole time.  She and her brother carried the pots to the spots I'd picked out.  It was really a fun time.  Of course I have been "resting" since, but it was one of those well worth it times. 

Hope and pray you are all doing well and that things will be better for each one of you.  I've been thinking about that song I posted some time back.  "I will Praise You In This Storm" by Casting Crowns.  It gives me hope and sets my heart in the right place.  I praise God for all of my life.  Even the parts I wish I could change.  He knows my name and He knows my heart.  I am only able to do this because of Him.  How could I not thank Him?  Praying His love into your life today.

God Bless,
Elaine

Unintentional Pain

Today I was hit hard with it.  Someone was talking about a person who had just had surgery and was unable to walk and he had a garden to plant and things to do.  The comment was made that "he will get it done some how, he's such a strong person".  I laughed for a moment and then wanted to cry.  Immediately the song "you can't keep a good man down" entered my head.

If he can "do" it, in spite of his limitations, then where does that leave me when I can't?  How do I measure up?  What makes me less able to overcome my limitations when all around me there are those who "work through the pain....."

I was happy for the person who was able.  I honestly was.  But at that moment I felt that old pain of not measuring up.  If I was good enough, this disease would not control me..... I would just make myself keep going wouldn't I?

I wanted to shout out that it's not always  possible to keep going.  My body shuts down and says enough and stops.  Willpower and being good have NOTHING to do with what I can and can't do.  I have tried pushing hard and paid a heavy price for my actions.  Occasionally I make the decision to "do it anyway" and pay the price.  Sometimes its worth it.... I know I've mentioned some of this before.  I've been measuring, weighing, and parceling out my "energies" for so long that it is just second nature now. 

But then along comes those "times".  When breathing is an effort.  Walking is a shuffle and a short one at that.  (Do I really need to go to the bathroom or can it wait another hour).....  I know I haven't been drinking my water, but I would have to walk to the kitchen to get a drink... besides, if I drink, I will have to get up more often.......

It sounds like some of you are hurting too.  The weight of our illnesses can be overwhelming at times.  The pain of our losses too great.  Our hope seems to have been robbed from us.  And we are left with only our thoughts. 

What a lonely place that can be!

But there is a hope and His name is Jesus.  He will meet us there in that lonely place and hold us close.  He will nurture us and give us all that we need to survive.  He will renew our spirit and give us joy.  He may not heal our bodies, but He will heal our minds and our souls.  He will make us complete.  And even if our bodies are not healed, we have the knowledge that one day they will be.  There is a place called Heaven where there is no more pain or suffering.  We will run and dance.  We will do all those things that we are unable to do right now.  We must hold on to the faith and know that even though we are tired and sick now, those better days are coming!

Hold on my friends.  Jesus is coming!  We can make it.  He will give us the strength needed to face each and every day until He calls us home.

God Bless You All!

Elaine

Anniversarys

Good morning to you all.  It's been a while since I've posted.  There are so many things going on at our house that I've been overwhelmed and too tired....

February, March, and April bring so much emotion to the table.  Rob's dad died in Feb.  My mom celebrated her BD and fell in March.  She died early April. Rob's dad's BD is in April too.  And I celebrate my illnessversary in April.  (None of it happened this year).

April 1994 is the year that I don't forget.  I was working, managing a household, watching over my parents and family, and WHAM!  I got sick.  Felt like the flu and my spine hurt so bad I could hardly walk.  My right side became unresponsive.  It was basically useless. I drug my foot and carried my arm.  In time, I was nearly incapacitated.  I needed help to get in and out of bed.  I could not care for anyone, including myself.  Our home life ground to a halt.  Rob did what he could, but was totally out of his league.  He worked long hours and the kids all were in school, etc... My Mom came to the rescue.  She cooked, cleaned, did laundry, and kept tabs on my family.  She cut up my food and cooked things that were easy to swallow.  I spent a year like that.  (My Mom and I were very close and I still miss her terribly.)  The poor doctors were baffled.  I felt like I'd lost my life.  The days were long and the nights were longer.  After about a year, I began to improve some. I could walk on my own and realized that it took amazing effort to do so.  I began to notice all sorts of things about my body.  And the effort to simply breathe was all encompassing.  I wanted to die.  Part of me had.  Why couldn't the rest of me do so also?   I was terrified.  I was useless.  My family was in shock. 

As the months went by, I struggled with the doctors opinions of me.  Words like lazy, fat, and mentally ill, began to show up in reports. After all the tests were all "normal", so it must be in my head, right?  I felt terrible and knew there was something "wrong".  I could feel the difference in my body.  After two years I met a doc from Canada who had worked with women who had fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue.  She diagnosed me on my first visit with her.  I was, in many ways, set free on that day. My "condition" had a name! Treatment was to kill the pain and clear the depression.  It didn't work very well, but I did sleep more and was more alert when I was awake.  I had about two "good" hours a day and I treasured them.

As the years began to add up, the family dynamics changed dramatically.  I watched from the side lines as the kids grew, married, and moved on.  I tried to be involved, but after each event, it took months to recover.  I learned to pace and to weigh the price of each choice.  Was it worth what it would cost?  So many times the answer was no...........  I hated myself and what I had become. 

I was a Christian the whole time, but that didn't seem to matter.  God wasn't healing me.  I wanted my old life back!  I wanted a life -- period.  I could not see the positives at all.  Yes, I was depressed and sad, and in pain and clouded by drugs.  No, I wasn't faking it so I didn't have to work anymore.... I felt betrayed by my own body and mind.  But God didn't give up on me.  He continued to nurture me through others and I began to see that life was going to continue.  I was going to live and I needed to adapt to this the best way possible.  So, with many prayers, much love, and a God bigger than my  problems, I began to look at life again.  I began to relish the days and to celebrate living. 

I did improve some more and that helped too.  I could keep house somewhat and drive again.  I managed to keep tabs on our youngest and to drive my folks where they needed to go.  My extended family just watched and shook their heads.  They didn't understand.  What I couldn't explain to them was that for the most part, we didn't understand either.... it was simply the new reality for us.

During the years, there have been many ups and downs and mostly "it is what it is".  I seldom commit to anything as I never know how I will feel that day... I do what I can and try not to hit myself over the head about the rest.  I sleep a lot, rest a lot, and try to enjoy each day as it comes.  I spend as much time with family as possible.  I go to church when I'm able. 

My husband has bi-polar disease and heart problems.  He is unable to work  and at times its like the fountain has been left on around here.  We are unable to help each other like we want to. We are limited so much personally that we have nothing to give to each other.  It's a sad fact of our lives.  Thankfully we are not both "down" at the same time too often.  But when we are, neither one of us wants to be here!

But, I am blessed.  I have so much that others don't.  I have a warm and dry home and have food for my table.  I have a husband and a family who loves me.  I have a Lord and Savior who died for my sins and has claimed me as His own.  I am loved. 

Yes, I am blessed.  And I have found my hope in the midst of this life.

And now I have each of you.  You add to my blessings with your encouragement and honesty.  Thanks to each of you.

God Bless and Keep You Always,

Elaine

Just for today

My days seem to be running together.  My husband Rob, is doing very well after his surgery.  He is going to Physical Therapy twice a week and making great progress.  We are so very thankful!

Our days are busy though.  I'm doing all the driving and that wears me out:(  At least most of the time its under 10 miles each way.  There are things that Rob can't do for himself, so I am helping him with those. 

My anxiety is through the roof right now.... I tend to worry about things that I really have no need to.  It is something I work on constantly.

I went to my chiropractor today and that always helps me.  I have a couple of places in my neck that get soooo sore.  I think it comes from not being able to relax well. 

He suggested that I start a Magnesium and Malic Acid regime.  Are any of you taking them and have they helped at all?  Please let me know if you have tried it or have any info on it.  Thanks!

I'm still waiting to get the kit for all the blood work that I need done with the blood coagulation defect tests.  I'm feeling impatient:) 

I'm struggling with the fatigue and pain and resting as much as possible.  I'm very thankful that we did all that cooking in advance.  Even reheating is more than I want to do at times.  Our kids have fed us some and that has been really nice.  Cooking is so hard for me.  I have trouble following recipes... can't remember if I've added all the ingredients... sometimes I actually copy it and cross things off as I work..... 

We were supposed to get snow this week, but its just very cold rain.  The hills are beautiful and it cleared last night so I could see the moon for a bit.  It was so pretty.

Hope in the Midst.  Sometimes I forget that God is in control and that He knows all about all of this.  And then a reminder will come along and assure me that He indeed does know and cares.  And my hope is renewed.  I move ahead and I continue to live this life I have and rejoice in it.  He has given me what I need for today.  My job is to stop looking so far ahead.  I need to concentrate on what today is about.  ( I used to be quite the planner)  Now, I only try to make it today.  Try being the key word here.... I am grateful for this day and the blessings it has given me. 

Hope and pray you are all doing well today.  You are such a blessing to me!

Elaine

Seeking

What is it about this time of year that makes me so restless?  I am looking forward to spring, but wishing for snow.  It's very warm for this time of year and already trees and plants are starting to bud out.  I am hoping they don't get their little noses chopped off with a hard freeze later... it was 60 degrees day before yesterday and 55 yesterday.  But it was 35 last night.

I wonder if some of the restlessness is coming from memories?  My husband, Rob's, dad died a year ago on Valentine's day.  We had cared for him for 1 1/2 years.  We lived at his house for about a year and then he moved in with us and died here at home.  We had wonderful help from Hospice and could never have done it without them.  I miss him.  And I worry about Rob and his memories.  Will they trigger an increase of his bi-polar depression?  It's so hard to cope with it.  There is so little I can do to help him.  He's already nervous about his surgery on the 2nd for a torn rotator cuff. 


We are cooking and freezing meals ahead so they stress of preparing food will be less for me.  He does most of the cooking, but will be unable to for a while after surgery.  We have to make most of our own food from scratch anyway, so its good to have some ahead.  We make some really great white chili.  We are also making red chili, taco filling, and spaghetti sauce.  It all freezes well.  We do eat lots of legumes:)  We both enjoy them.

I have found that with the increased stress, I'm sleeping less.  I am tired, but wake and can't go back to sleep.  I'm having more trouble going to sleep also.  I am trying very hard to pace myself and rest often.  The underlying anxiety is still there though... I'm crabby and have a hard time being kind.  Ergggg... And I seem to be continually searching, seeking, looking for something that I can't seem to put my hands on.  

So, I go back.  Back to where I know I'm safe and loved.  Back to Jesus who loves me and helps me.  I hold onto Him and in turn, He holds onto me.  It's a wonderful place to be.  Safe in the arms of Jesus.

He has led me to you all and what a blessing that is!  Thank you for sharing your lives with others and in doing so, blessing so many.  I gain strength,   knowledge, and hope from your words. 

Blessings to you all,
Elaine

At Loose Ends

One of those days.... not enough energy to "do" anything constructive, but all sorts of energy to worry, fidget, and just generally be antsy.  Too distracted to read or play games, or work a puzzle.  Simply not able to focus on anything.  Too weary to do laundry or dust.  Too antsy to sit still, but getting up is so painful... erggggg this is not like me.  I'm seldom restless like this.

I don't remember having a day like this.  I'm sure I have though.  Does it mean I'm doing better?  I sure hope and pray it does. I do NOT like this feeling at all.  I actually want to pace around.  Maybe it's just the winter blues?  We've had so much rain lately and everything is so wet and muddy.  The dogs are mud balls when they go outside.  But it is supposed to be on a drying trend, so maybe we will see some sunshine soon:)

I have so much to be thankful for.  My house is dry and warm.  My family loves me.  Our community did not get hit with flooding.  I have all the comforts that I need and want.  I have my Lord who loves me always.  Why then am I feeling like this?

Do you ever have days like this?  How do you handle them?  I would love some words of wisdom from you today!

Blessings to you all,

Elaine

Missed appointments

I tried.  Oh how I tried... I just could not make my apt yesterday.  I got up, made it to the living room, back to the bedroom and knew.  I simply couldn't do it.  No strength, no energy, no way.  So, I called and cancelled.  I went back to bed and slept another 4 hours.  Felt a bit better, but not much.  Erggggggg.

I hate it when that happens.  I wanted to go, planned to go, and poof, couldn't do it.

Ever have those days?  I have gotten to the point of not making commitments because I never know how I will feel.  Some people understand and some don't.  Sometimes I think if I hear "you don't look sick" one more time I will scream until I have no voice left.  Of course I won't really do that because it takes too much energy. 

I've become an energy saver.  Always thinking about how I can conserve energy and still function.  I try to make one trip out of one room into another with everything I might want or need.  Of course that takes planning and with brain fog like mine, that is a joke too:)  I also have ADD, so that adds to the problem of organization.  I can't tollerate the meds for it, so I just have to make do.  I was diagnosed last summer.  I had always known I was "different" and had to work extra hard to keep up with everything.  It was a relief to know there was a real reason and not just a lack in me.

How do you save energy?  What works for you?  How do you cope when you just "can't"?  I am always interested in what works for others?  I rest, sleep, pray, watch TV, read when I can, and rely on my husband Rob to help me.  Two of our children live close by, but they all work and are super busy.  They help when they can though, and always if I ask.  I also keep talking to a minimum.  It wears on me when I'm down.  There are times when breathing is an effort.  Anyone else ever feel that way?

I also try not to waste my energy on negative feelings.  I have discovered that it takes a lot of energy to be angry or sad.  I try really hard to just not go there.  Or if I do, not to stay there very long.  That helps me too.

This has all made me more dependent on Jesus.  He helps me make it through the days and nights.  He is with me and loves me no matter what.  What a comfort that is!

I hope you are having a great day today.

Blessings,
Elaine

It's Monday

Now what?  Another week ahead.  Two doctors apts this week.... Freezing rain predicted for Tues. and Wed.... but who knows?  Could be snow, sleet, freezing rain, or just plain old rain.  Rain is what we usually get around here..... I love the snow and lived 4 years where it did indeed snow!  The first winter we had 3 feet drop in two days.  It was an amazing introduction to living in the snow! 

Those were interesting years.  My husband Rob, worked for a recreation company and he did campground work in the summer and helped run the kitchen at the ski resort in the winter.  It was FUN!  I rode along in the summer and we met so many wonderful people.  Some we are still in contact with.  In the winter we lived in our RV in a park near the ski resort.  So we had utilities in the winter.  Right across the road was all forest and had great walking paths.  Of course one needed to pay attention as there were cougars, bears, deer, and all sorts of other wildlife.  The deer were so pretty and walked right past our trailer daily.  I could sit inside and watch the wildlife, the trees, the snow, and loved it.  We had a cat then and she would sit on my lap or near my head and watch too.. when the deer were really close, she would sit and her tail would swish as she watched.  Rob shoveled snow every AM and PM so if I wanted to go out, I had a path to follow.  It felt like paradise.

The summers were intersting too.  We lived 3 summers in a campground with no utilities except water and that only worked part of the time.  Interesting though, I felt better there than I had in years anywhere else.  Some one asked me once if I had make any connection to my illness with electricity?  Made me wonder.... I have no idea how electricity could be connected. ( Although in the winter the static electricity was so bad that I actually shorted out our phone!) I had the energy to walk and I did.  I often spent hours picking up garbage campers had left in campsites.  It was a wonderful time.  Time where I didn't have to think and could pray, reflect, and simply enjoy my surroundings.  A time to remember and hang onto now that I'm not nearly so "well". 

It reminds me of something my Mom always said to me.  "This too shall pass".  I hang onto those words, knowing that she knew full well what they meant.  My oldest brother (whom I never met) was killed in a swimming accident on our creek the summer before I was born.  She knew the full meaning of suffering.     And even when she fell and hit her head, she was still walking on her own.  She had a brain bleed and because of her CLL, they couldnt stop the bleeding.  They tried and she did so well after her surgery.  It was a hard blow to know that the bleeding wouldnt stop. She and I were very good friends and I miss her still.  It will be 2 years in April since she died.  She was 93.  Rob and I had lived next door to my parents for 23 years and had taken care of them until we went into the campgrounds.  Our daughter and son in law moved in with them and that allowed us to do some new things.  Dad died in 1998.

Suffering takes on different personalities.  But suffer we do.  Some have  physical problems, others have family issues that take my breath away, some are so locked away mentally that they are in a place of their own, some have things in their lives that I can't fathom.   When I look around, I am thankful that I have my kind of suffering.  Thankful!  I can't imagine going through some of what I see around me.  I do what I can to help others and usually it is prayer.  I can "do" so little else.  Prayer is vital and I am thankful both for the prayers said on my behalf and those I say for others.

Perhaps today, as we come together, we can take a moment and think of someone we know who is suffering and offer up a prayer for them.

Blessings to you today,

Elaine

The Desire of the Afflicted

Oh, how I needed those words today.  Psalm 10 vs 17."You hear, oh Lord, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry."

I needed to be reminded that the Lord hears me when I cry!  When it seems I cry out and no one is there, He is there and hears me.  I am so comforted by that.  I pray you will be too.

Just when I think I have quit questioning "why", the doubts and fears surface and there I am again.... wondering.....   I honestly don't understand why "we" are sick.  Why bad things happen to people.  Why life throws curve balls that hit us squarely where we live. 

But as I read that today, I am reassured that while I may not understand, I am not alone in this.  God hears my cries and sends encouragement to me.  I am so very thankful for that.

I still have pain and severe fatigue.  I still have knees that need replaced and feet that need surgery.  My circumstances have not changed, but my attitude has.   I will rest and reflect and know that in His time, I will be better.  I will do my best to focus on Him and what He has for me to do.  Not on me and what I can't do.

These days in the midst can be long and hard.  Seek Him and know that while we don't understand now, someday we will.  Praying for you today.

Blessings,
Elaine

A Sunny Day

Hello on this sunny day.  You might wonder why I make a big deal about it?  Well, here where I live, its rare to have sunshine in January.... especially in a La Nina year... we have had lots of rain and dreary days.  It's been clear and cold (for us) the past few days and it's beautiful.  It was 20 last night and is just above freezing now.

I am watching the birds today.  There must be a hundred or more trying to get to the feeders.  All kinds and colors, shapes and sizes.  They bring me great joy.  We have quail, doves, red winged black birds, woodpeckers, and many, many more.  They are all so amazing to watch.  They each have a personality.  We also have squirrels that frequent the bird feeders.  They sit not five feet from our sliding glass door and eat and watch us:)  Our poor dogs used to go crazy when they were there, but now just sit and watch and drool:)  We knock on the window before letting the dogs out so no one gets hurt!

It is a wonder to see.  Nature offers us so much.  But we need to stop and watch and listen to begin to comprehend what is there.  The sounds, the sights, the beauty is there.  It is a gift for us to behold.  What a blessing.

In many ways it reminds me of my walk with God.  If I'm too busy, or otherwise preoccupied, I miss Him.  I need to stop, look, and listen and then I will hear His voice and see His presence in life.

I was able to go to church yesterday.  It took every ounce of strength I had, but I made it.  And I was so glad.  A little girl in our church (4, I think) responded to the Pastor's call for announcements.  She said "if you have questions" "the church and God" and a variety of other things related to that.  Half our congregation was teary eyed as the child spoke.  Several things shouted out to me.  One, this child of God wasn't afraid to speak to and about Him.  Two, she was embraced by the Pastor who held the microphone for her to talk.  Three, she was embraced by the congregation. Four, God speaks through and to us all.  It was a gift I will hold on to when my illness forces me to stay home and in bed.  

I am not saying that if one doesn't attend church one will not be blessed.   I don't believe that for one instant!  God finds us wherever we might be and sends blessings to us right where we are.  There have been years at a time when I've not been able to attend church.  But God is in my heart just the same.  And I pray He will be in yours too.

I slept all afternoon and rested much of the rest of the time.  I worked a jig saw puzzle on my computer last night.  Today I woke with a killer headache so its been quiet here at home. 

This learning to cope in the midst is hard work.  I am especially trying to focus on changing my thoughts from the "everything that needs done" to the "doing what I can this day".  That alone is helping me a lot right now. I'm choosing to be positive today.  Letting God speak through the beauty of the birds, the blue sky, the crisp air, and the love of family and friends. Enjoying this day, this moment in time, even in the midst of pain and fatigue.  God is so good!

Blessings to you today,

Elaine

  

New Year's Eve

Good afternoon from my house to yours.  We are cold here, but not like many of you, and have no snow where I live...

I was thinking today of the many things that made Christmas and the rest of the year special to me.  God and His grace and mercy.  He is a very important part of my life.  Family - close and extended.  I am so very blessed to have such a wonderful family.  We of course don't always agree, but its so good to have loved ones who will love each other no matter what. 


I love the birthday parties.  For the little ones as its such a joy to see their faces, and the older ones as its always a good chance to get together and share what is going on in our lives.  I often rest up for several days in preparation:)

The Holidays are another time to celebrate.  I love all the laughter and fun we have together.  I also have time to ponder (I love that word) all the special gifts my loved ones have to offer this world. 

My husband does woodworking and this year he built all the grandsons wooden trucks.  He did a nice job on them.  The boys love them!  I can't wait to see what he has in mind for next year:)

Our sons and daughters and their spouses are wonderful.  They all have gifts they share with the family and the world around them  Music, care giving, sewing, arts and crafts, baking, careers, faith and love.

My oldest grandson loves horses.  He now has two and is in charge of taking care of them.  One of the greatest highlights this year was to take him Christmas shopping for the first time with his own money.  Hubby and I took him and he was so much fun!  He even got his horses gifts from Santa:)  We were exhausted, but it was worth every moment!

I've had lots of time to read to and listen to the grandkids this Christmas break.  One entertains me with video games, two play music , one dances , one I color with, one loves to be read to and snuggled, and one just loves to play.  And of course, it changes from day to day:)

Each person with all their gifts. And all Christians!  That in itself is a gift worth more than all the money in the world!

Our lives are far from perfect however, and I will share more as we travel along this road together.

You might be wondering where I am going with all this?  Well, self worth is something I often struggle with.  I know I am God's child.  I know my husband loves me and our children love me.  There are times though, that I feel so worthless.  Those days when I can hardly lift my head up.  Getting dressed is out of the question.  Sleep is my constant companion.  Sitting up is only done out of necessity.  Talking is not an option.  Resting is all I do.  I even have trouble praying as it takes energy I do not have. The pain wracks my body and I stare at the TV and wonder about this life I've been given and what to do with it.  That is a different place in the midst.  My souls gets lonely and my heart cries out.  My solace is that Jesus is there to hear me and I know HE understands and answers my cries. 

But still I wonder?  What gifts do I have to offer?  What role do I play in our family?  My church?  My community?  Do you ever have days like that? Times when you don't know what might be next?  Prayer is such comfort.  Even those little two or three word prayers that are honest and child like are heard by God Almighty and answered in due time.  

I would love to pray for you.  To join you in searching for the answers.  I know that someday there will be an explanation and a treatment for us that will give us back some or all of what we have been stripped of.  In the mean time, I will continue to rejoice in this life.  This day is a gift and one I plan to enjoy.  I may have to sleep most of it away, but it is still a gift. 

Perhaps together we can help to find the cure and that will be our gift to others:)  Or perhaps we will simply become friends and in that share ourselves as the gift. And maybe our words will become the gift. 

No matter what, I want you to remember you are loved and valued by God and others.  God knows who we are and He will enable us to fulfill our purposes here on earth. 

I want to wish you each a Happy New Year and may your life be filled with joy, hope, peace, love, and blessings in the midst. 

God Bless You All,
Elaine

After Christmas musings

Hello and welcome to my blog.  This is my first post and I hope that there will be many more.  I am looking forward to getting to know each and everyone of you.

I have Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue.  I was first diagnosed in 1994 and have had many ups and downs since then.  I am learning (still) to pace myself and to prioritize what I want to do and when.  There are those times when I can't choose however, and the fatigue and pain overwhelm me,  and I just have to rest.

I am still in the process of learning to accept those times that I have to spend "down".  I've had a lot of time to practice.  I do enjoy watching the birds and spending time with family and our dogs. They are great company for me when I'm resting.  I enjoy my computer too and spend a lot of time on it.

Once in a while I have times of almost "normal" feelings and I can drive and shop and clean.  Those have been fleeting this year however and I've found peace and joy in the things that are really important... God, family, nature, and peace.

These days after Christmas are full.  We still have family visiting and the youngest grandson is here.  He is so fun and I've found that laughter is indeed good medicine.  We had a wonderful Christmas and are enjoying each day to the fullest.  The pain and fatigue are catching up with me though, and I'm more tired each day.  I spend much of the day sitting and watching and tucking away memories to hold in my heart when I'm unable to "do" anything but rest.  I'm not expected to wait on anyone so that allows me the energy to just enjoy!

I love it when the grand kids are home from school.  They are all getting so big and have so many interests of their own now. They range in age from 1 to 12. 

I feel I am very blessed.  I have a husband who loves me, a family who loves me, a God who loves me, and a warm and dry home to live in.  I have what I need and much more. 

My body however, is another story.  It has, in many ways, betrayed me.  It won't allow me to do the things I used to do or enjoy things I used to.  But in the midst, I am learning to enjoy new things and to take each day as it comes.  Circumstances change and life throws hard things at us all.  It is indeed what we do with them that counts.  I choose to trust God, do what I can, and let the rest go.

I hope and pray you had a wonderful time wherever you might have been for Christmas and that your journey with illness or hard circumstances will become one of peace and that you will find hope in the midst.

Blessings,
Elaine