Wednesday, January 26, 2011


What is it about this time of year that makes me so restless?  I am looking forward to spring, but wishing for snow.  It's very warm for this time of year and already trees and plants are starting to bud out.  I am hoping they don't get their little noses chopped off with a hard freeze later... it was 60 degrees day before yesterday and 55 yesterday.  But it was 35 last night.

I wonder if some of the restlessness is coming from memories?  My husband, Rob's, dad died a year ago on Valentine's day.  We had cared for him for 1 1/2 years.  We lived at his house for about a year and then he moved in with us and died here at home.  We had wonderful help from Hospice and could never have done it without them.  I miss him.  And I worry about Rob and his memories.  Will they trigger an increase of his bi-polar depression?  It's so hard to cope with it.  There is so little I can do to help him.  He's already nervous about his surgery on the 2nd for a torn rotator cuff. 

We are cooking and freezing meals ahead so they stress of preparing food will be less for me.  He does most of the cooking, but will be unable to for a while after surgery.  We have to make most of our own food from scratch anyway, so its good to have some ahead.  We make some really great white chili.  We are also making red chili, taco filling, and spaghetti sauce.  It all freezes well.  We do eat lots of legumes:)  We both enjoy them.

I have found that with the increased stress, I'm sleeping less.  I am tired, but wake and can't go back to sleep.  I'm having more trouble going to sleep also.  I am trying very hard to pace myself and rest often.  The underlying anxiety is still there though... I'm crabby and have a hard time being kind.  Ergggg... And I seem to be continually searching, seeking, looking for something that I can't seem to put my hands on.  

So, I go back.  Back to where I know I'm safe and loved.  Back to Jesus who loves me and helps me.  I hold onto Him and in turn, He holds onto me.  It's a wonderful place to be.  Safe in the arms of Jesus.

He has led me to you all and what a blessing that is!  Thank you for sharing your lives with others and in doing so, blessing so many.  I gain strength,   knowledge, and hope from your words. 

Blessings to you all,


  1. Elaine
    It must be difficult at times to have someone you love deal with bi-polar depression. And to have your caregiver in so many ways in need of surgery and care himself...another challenge. No wonder you are not sleeping as well as you would like. The same thing happens to me..either I cannot fall asleep right away or I wake early and cannot go back to sleep. The rhythm of life gets off doesn't it.
    What you said about memories from a sad or stressful time stirring up around the anniversary...So very true! I really believe our body remembers and often even has trapped emotions.
    I love how you brought it all back to Jesus. Isn't that the truth! The only place we can find peace of mind, rest for our weariness, and comfort for our sadness and anxiety.
    Sending hugs your way today...........

  2. Elaine,
    I agree so much that this time of year is a difficult one, even without a painful anniversary and a surgery approaching. I think the short days and colder weather that keep us indoors have us looking inward, too, in ways that make us (or me, at any rate!) more restless and dissatisfied and anxious. It's probably building our characters or something. :)

    That idea of cooking in advance sounds so wise - and your menus sound delicious! You and your husband are taking good steps to manage this time well.

    Wishing you both peace and comfort and sound sleep in the days ahead. I'm so glad to have "met" you, Elaine!

  3. Elaine ~

    Your stress and insomnia is understandably worse this time of year for you. I think it is good that you are aware of that.
    Personally, I am in "crisis" every mid-November until the day after Valentine's Day! For lots of reasons!
    So, it's almost over! Yay!

    Are you going to ask your doctor about low dose Naltrexone (LDN)? You had mentioned researching LDN for yourself at my blog.
    It helps most CFIDS patients sleep better as well as feel better during the day. It helps your brain create more endorphins and strengthens the immune system. I don't know why it helps sleep.

    It is not working that way for me, however! I'm apparently in the 5% it has the opposite effect on for sleep! But by taking it in the morning instead of at night, I am hoping I will sleep ok because it really does make me feel better during the day!

    To be continued though. Still experimenting with it.


  4. Renee,
    Thanks for your response. I appreciate your perspective and insight.


  5. Stacy,
    My character should be so good by now:) I agree that being inside so much and staring at the inside of the house does make one more reflective...

    Sleeping a bit better.

    Thanks so much.


  6. Judy,
    I haven't seen the doc yet but plan to ask him about the LDN when I see him next. How is it working for you now?

    I'm glad for you that your symptoms ease up near Valentine's Day:) That is very cool. Mine seem to do what they want when they want, so who knows if spring will bring any decrease of them this year. Summer is often my best time...

    Thanks so much.


  7. Elaine - I am so sorry for your loss. I would definitely agree with everything Renee said. 100%.

    The odd thing about ME/CFS is that our bodies just cannot handle stress well and yet we live in this world that is full of stress. Quite an oxymoron.

    I will keep your husband in my prayers that the surgery goes off without a problem and that he will be at peace. Also, for a quick and complete recovery.

  8. Thank you Dominique. I appreciate your prayers and support.