Friday, July 20, 2012

Just a note

Hi to you all.  I so appreciate all your loving thoughts and prayers.  I am doing better and being much kinder to myself these days.

My brother is still not doing very well and we are going to go see him in a couple of weeks.  Yes, the trip will be hard, but I must do this.  I may not have another chance. 

I may have to have my knee redone.  It is not healing properly.  We will decide after the trip.

I also don't have Internet at home anymore so am only on some of the time when I "go" somewhere they have it. 

I will read your blogs as I am able!!

Blessings to you all and thanks so much for being there for me!


Saturday, July 7, 2012

Still hoping in the Midst

Happy Saturday to you.  We are finally out of the cold and rain here.  That should help us all to feel a bit better.

These past weeks (months) have been increasingly difficult for me.  The emotional stress of so many things are wreaking havoc with me.  We have no news on the property, which means we have no news about moving.  DH's bi-polar has been worse.  My brother is not recovering as we had all hoped. (Back in the hospital as I write this).  Gaining weight. My new knee is still not doing what it is supposed to .... and the list goes on and on.

I'm not trying to get sympathy.  I just decided to be honest.  My pain is bad.  My emotional state is worse.  DH and I are really not able to help each other much and that makes things worse. 

I've realized I was trying to live as if I were "well" again.  I have pushed, pulled, prodded, and pushed again so hard that my body is rebelling.  I'm down to about one thing a week for activity.  Phone calls are wearing me out.  I called my son last night and found I had nothing to talk about.  My life feels very empty right now.

I know I have many things to be thankful for and I do thank God daily for all His blessings.  It just doesn't seem to make me feel any better. 

I wake with hope and then I put one foot down and the other and the day has begun.  Exhaustion sets in and I'm done before I ever get started. 

Eating is a challenge as I have so little energy.  I want all soft food.  I have no energy to cook and neither does hubby.  Chewing is work these days. 

I start to do something and sometimes I don't even make it out of the chair before I'm too tired to manage to accomplish anything.  I know it sounds like I'm very depressed and honestly I'm just so tired.  Too tired to function.  The fatigue has always been worse than the pain for me.  I hurt, but the fatigue weighs me down so badly.

I've not felt this badly in quite some time.  That emotional spiral downward is terrible.  It takes such a toll on a person.  It plays games with you and tries to make you give up.

Well, I wont'.  I am as sick as I've been in such a long time, but I refuse to give up.  I will continue to smile as often as possible, take steps to improve, and learn to be much kinder to myself in this process.  I have begun hating who I am again and I must stop that.  I must be nice to me!  It does no good to dislike myself.  And it doesn't help anyone else either. 

I will still look for the hope in the midst.  In the midst of life.  We ALL have so many struggles.  I am not unique in that area.  I choose life.  I choose to live.  Right now I have to  take it very easy and be kind to me and my DH.  I choose to continue to trust God and know that even when I can't see or hear HIM, HE is with me.

That is where my hope comes from. 

So happy to have you all in my "midst"


Saturday, May 5, 2012

A little static anyone?

Happy Saturday to you all today.  I've been thinking about something for a couple of days now... I'll be curious as to what you all think too.
    On Thursday we had a wind storm that knocked out our power for several hours.  When it went off, I immediately felt more at ease.  The quiet was wonderful.  I had so much less tension that I was actually smiling at the window as I watched the wind, rain, hail, and clouds. 
     Then I remembered how much calmer I was overall when my husband worked for a Recreational company and he took care of campgrounds.  We lived in one for three summers.  No electricity, but we did have water:)  Some of the time anyway.  He had to pump our septic water to the toilet about once a week.  Showers were a quick affair as 10 gallons of hot water goes away very fast.
     I loved it.  I walked a lot (I was much better then), and my favorite times were meeting all the wonderful people who passed our way, and picking up garbage in the campsites.  We had to pick up things small and large.  I used the "picker" and did the small stuff.  It was my time to relax, pray, think, and simply enjoy the world around me.  We were in a National Forest with fast running streams, dense woods, and waterfalls.  In fact the waterfall was so close to our campsite that it took some getting used to each summer.  The noise was loud:)  It seldom bothered me. 
     It was not perfect.  We were often without clean running water and some of our guests were not very nice folks.  The campground was robbed (the money box) and there were often folks who tried their best to be obnoxious:)  Some succeeded very nicely:)  We had constant worry about the fire situation, but never had one that required our evacuation.  I prayed a LOT about that.....
     We were together constantly as I did not like being in the campground alone.  Ours was very busy about 5 days a week, but often the other two-sometimes 3 days were slow and we were often empty.  I rode with him to all the campgrounds he covered and helped when I could.  I was often the peace maker :):):) 
     But to get back to the real point.  My pain, fatigue, brain fog, and everything was so much better there.  I had real pain from moving about, but the everyday symptoms were so much better.  I have read several times where electricity does affect some individuals.  I guess I may well be one of them. Have you ever heard of such a thing? 
     In the winter we lived in an RV Park and had electricity.  My static was so bad that I actually shorted out a hand held phone one day!  I picked it up and it blew right out of my hand!  Amazing.  I used dryer sheets in my shoes, fabric softener, and anything else I could do to combat it.  I'd kind of forgotten about all this living here at home and having so many things going on in the past few years.
     Do any of you notice any difference since getting sick with electricity?  I noticed that the noise of the fridge, etc really gets to me too.... In the RV on propane it makes no sound except to click on and off as it cycles...
     Sound crazy?  Maybe.  I'm about ready to pack it up and give it another try:)  We have friends who live off the grid both winter and summer in their RV.  They love it and are very healthy.  They do campgrounds in the summer and boondock in the winter.  Hmmmm sounding better to me all the time.

Blessings to you all and thanks for letting me rant today:)


Saturday, April 21, 2012

A Week of Lots of Info

HI again:)  A friend of a friend  thought she had fibro/CFS for years and years.... longer than me and she's young....

Well just recently the specialists found she has Lyme Disease.  And even more recently the specialists found she has "Common Variable Immune Deficiency".  She is being treated for it and is starting to feel better.  Her sons both have Lyme and the Immune Deficiency condition also.

I've never heard of this.  Have you?  Any info you could share would be appreciated. 


A New Treatment For Fibro/CFS?

Hi everyone, my daughter in law ran across this article and sent it to me.  I had not heard of this treatment before.  Are any of you familiar with it?  Just wanted to share as I know we are ALL, always looking.......!pain.story_8

I may call my doc and see what she thinks.  Certainly worth a try!  Wondering if INS covers it???? 


I will try again.

Good Saturday to you all.  Hope you are having a great day wherever you might be today!

I came across this quote in my daily devotional a few days ago.  I was struck with how much it spoke to me and my life. 

“Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet
voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.”
Mary Anne Radmacher
How many times have I felt that way?  Have you?  We keep on trying because we believe there is hope.  We believe there is more.  We believe we can!  We believe.
I hope and pray you will find courage today my friends.  Courage to try again.  Courage to keep trying even though it seems there is everything against you this day, this week, this time.
I will try again.  What beautiful words. 
The devotional ended with the words "Even for those who trust God, sometimes just showing up is a victory."
I can relate to that so much!
Praying we will all "show up",

Friday, April 13, 2012

A day to share

I so wish you could see what I'm looking at right now.  Our sliding glass door is open and since the dogs ruined the screen last year, there isn't one on it.  Our little dog is sitting just inside the doorway and he's watching the birds come and go on the feeders.  They are only about 8-10 feet outside the door themselves.  The birds aren't afraid of him at all and he's sitting so very still.  He has no plans to chase them like our big dog does.  I'd take a pix, but hubby's camera is so heavy I cant do it:(  The grass is growing so fast you can almost hear it.  The tiny daisys are up and blooming in the grass.  I love them.  They have been here all my life. 

Farm equipment and cars and trucks are driving by, but not yet rush hour, so not too much traffic yet.  The electric company that is moving poles (for the new bridge and roadway) have gone home for the day, so that particular noise is gone.  They were stopping traffic in front of our home most of the day today.  Interesting noises:)

I'd like to share a quote with you that came from an author I read.  It spoke so clearly to me that it nearly made me jump when I read it the first time. 
Nancy Rue

Bishop Hee-Soo Jung (Methodist, Chicago) says we need to 'Curl up under the powerful grace of God' rather than strive for what we can do. It sounds like a kind of wonderful Divine nap we all need to take, you think? .
Nancy posted it on FB and I asked to be sure I could share it.  I know public domain and all, but didn't want to quote the Bishop without asking. 

So many days I find myself fighting against what is.  This life I have is real and it is what it is.  Yes, I can do many things to stay as healthy as possible.  I do my best.  But oh the days of wanting more.  Wanting what I've lost and having what I don't.  Looking to those who "can" and being jealous and angry at times.  I also heard Joyce Meyers last night and she spoke to doing what we can.  Not what others can.  That rang very true to me too.  Doing what we can is worship and a blessing.  Trying to do what others are called to do is not.  I can't memorize scripture.  I love to sing, but stand back:)  I do make a joyful noise to the Lord!  I can't jump on a plane and fly to be with my brother.  My siblings can.  I can't exercise like the surgeon wants me to.  I CAN however, love with my whole heart.  Pray, encourage, and just be.  (Most of the time).  Some days, I can just be while in bed---resting, waiting, and knowing that God is in control.  I so often don't have the energy to do any more than that.  So, in Jesus, that is enough.  I am enough with HIM. 

I still struggle with what I'm "called to do or be", but am getting better at being present where I am right now and doing all I can at the moment.  Sometimes it is thinking of each of the people who are in my life.  Or praying for those I hear about who need prayers.  Sometimes its' laying very still and taking one breath after another. 

Curled up under the Grace of God.  That is indeed a very good place to be!

Hope and pray you all have time today to do just that!

Love and Blessings,