Saturday, July 7, 2012

Still hoping in the Midst

Happy Saturday to you.  We are finally out of the cold and rain here.  That should help us all to feel a bit better.

These past weeks (months) have been increasingly difficult for me.  The emotional stress of so many things are wreaking havoc with me.  We have no news on the property, which means we have no news about moving.  DH's bi-polar has been worse.  My brother is not recovering as we had all hoped. (Back in the hospital as I write this).  Gaining weight. My new knee is still not doing what it is supposed to .... and the list goes on and on.

I'm not trying to get sympathy.  I just decided to be honest.  My pain is bad.  My emotional state is worse.  DH and I are really not able to help each other much and that makes things worse. 

I've realized I was trying to live as if I were "well" again.  I have pushed, pulled, prodded, and pushed again so hard that my body is rebelling.  I'm down to about one thing a week for activity.  Phone calls are wearing me out.  I called my son last night and found I had nothing to talk about.  My life feels very empty right now.

I know I have many things to be thankful for and I do thank God daily for all His blessings.  It just doesn't seem to make me feel any better. 

I wake with hope and then I put one foot down and the other and the day has begun.  Exhaustion sets in and I'm done before I ever get started. 

Eating is a challenge as I have so little energy.  I want all soft food.  I have no energy to cook and neither does hubby.  Chewing is work these days. 

I start to do something and sometimes I don't even make it out of the chair before I'm too tired to manage to accomplish anything.  I know it sounds like I'm very depressed and honestly I'm just so tired.  Too tired to function.  The fatigue has always been worse than the pain for me.  I hurt, but the fatigue weighs me down so badly.

I've not felt this badly in quite some time.  That emotional spiral downward is terrible.  It takes such a toll on a person.  It plays games with you and tries to make you give up.

Well, I wont'.  I am as sick as I've been in such a long time, but I refuse to give up.  I will continue to smile as often as possible, take steps to improve, and learn to be much kinder to myself in this process.  I have begun hating who I am again and I must stop that.  I must be nice to me!  It does no good to dislike myself.  And it doesn't help anyone else either. 

I will still look for the hope in the midst.  In the midst of life.  We ALL have so many struggles.  I am not unique in that area.  I choose life.  I choose to live.  Right now I have to  take it very easy and be kind to me and my DH.  I choose to continue to trust God and know that even when I can't see or hear HIM, HE is with me.

That is where my hope comes from. 

So happy to have you all in my "midst"



  1. Oh Elaine....I am so so sorry you are feeling so awful. The kind of stress you are under is big...really big and of course that adds to the CFS. Stress is my worst enemy. You asked about the paleo diet...I have so many stomach issues still after over a year...ugh....and I had been hearing alot about the paleo diet...NO grains, NO dairy, and lots of veggies, lean meats and some fruits and oils and berries. I am eating more food but losing weight plus energy improved. Stomach? nope...not yet...sigh. Anyway I hope that helps answer your question. I think it is a good idea to be kind to yourself. Life has thrown enough your way. Praying for you Elaine.

  2. Thanks so much Renee. I know that it will get better. Do you eat beans (like chili and baked?) Sounds interesting.... my stomach is a mess too:(

  3. Hi Elaine.... I'm sorry you've been in such a struggle and I hope it helped you to share it. It is not complaining to share, so I'm glad you did. I am sending you lots of good thoughts and a prayer that things will begin to ease. Please be gentle with yourself.

    1. Thank you Donna. I appreciate your support. And your prayers.

  4. Hang in there Elaine! You are one of the sweetest, most non-judgmental souls around! I would enjoy being more like you!

    I totally get it about not being depressed. Of course we get down and we get blue, but people need to understand that we are generally not depressed: not clinically. We are easily able to experience joy and we feel it often because we, unlike the go-see-do busy types, often get to reflect and just Be with the peace that comes from the present moment.

    Regarding weight and diet? I'm going to post soon because I am going to get my Apo E gene tested on Monday! I'm very excited! According to the new scientific research in "The Perfect Gene Diet" by Pamela McDonald N.P., your Apo E gene determines what balance of proten/carbs/fat YOUR body NEEDS, and what foods to avoid. It also determines how easily or not YOUR body can eliminate toxins from certain foods and from chemicals. It's been a long time since I've been really excited about a new thing that offers me new hope for healing my body more. The test is only $150, I say "only" because it is such a worthy investment. I will go behind my health insurances back---that feels marvelous. I found a doctor who had no hesitation to write me a lab slip. That is, she is really good and caring. She practices Integrative Medicine and studied under Dr. Andrew Weil. But the book tells you where you can be tested through the mail if your doctor won't support you in this. "You" meaning everyone.

    This is too long! Judy

    1. Thank you Judy. Those are very kind words. Good luck with the testing. I'd never heard of it before.

  5. Elaine, I'm so sorry that you're having to struggle so much. Long-term stress is just awful--such a physical drain. I think it exacerbates CFS worse than physical labor. It's no wonder you're exhausted, having that kind of stress on multiple fronts at the same time.

    Your attitude sounds so healthy, though--honest about how difficult things are, but determined to carry on and be good to yourself and see things through as well as you can. You are an amazingly strong woman, Elaine. You may not be able to DO what you want, but you seem to LIVE your values and beliefs overall, and to continually make choices that support the people and values you care most about. That doesn't always help when it's time to get dinner on the table... I hope some respite arrives for you soon--extra energy or help or something good and lovely. I'll be holding you in the Light.

    1. Thanks so much Stacy. I appreciate the kind words and your understanding of the stress. I "KNOW" I am not supposed to hard for me when my symptoms are harsh. Interesting thought about living ones values even when you can't do..... Puts things into perspective I think. Thanks!

  6. Sorry I haven't been by much - I am soooo far behind on blogs!

    I'm so very sorry to hear that your have been going through such a difficult period, Elaine. I certainly understand and have been there myself at times.

    The only advice I can give you is to rest, rest, rest as much as possible - your body is telling you it needs to take a break and recover. And, yes, as you said, absolutely be kind to yourself, especially during this challenging time.

    You are not alone - we are out here, all understanding what you are going through and rooting for you!

    Things WILL get better - rest, rest, rest.

    You are in my thoughts and prayers -