Still hoping in the Midst

Happy Saturday to you.  We are finally out of the cold and rain here.  That should help us all to feel a bit better.

These past weeks (months) have been increasingly difficult for me.  The emotional stress of so many things are wreaking havoc with me.  We have no news on the property, which means we have no news about moving.  DH's bi-polar has been worse.  My brother is not recovering as we had all hoped. (Back in the hospital as I write this).  Gaining weight. My new knee is still not doing what it is supposed to .... and the list goes on and on.

I'm not trying to get sympathy.  I just decided to be honest.  My pain is bad.  My emotional state is worse.  DH and I are really not able to help each other much and that makes things worse. 

I've realized I was trying to live as if I were "well" again.  I have pushed, pulled, prodded, and pushed again so hard that my body is rebelling.  I'm down to about one thing a week for activity.  Phone calls are wearing me out.  I called my son last night and found I had nothing to talk about.  My life feels very empty right now.

I know I have many things to be thankful for and I do thank God daily for all His blessings.  It just doesn't seem to make me feel any better. 

I wake with hope and then I put one foot down and the other and the day has begun.  Exhaustion sets in and I'm done before I ever get started. 

Eating is a challenge as I have so little energy.  I want all soft food.  I have no energy to cook and neither does hubby.  Chewing is work these days. 

I start to do something and sometimes I don't even make it out of the chair before I'm too tired to manage to accomplish anything.  I know it sounds like I'm very depressed and honestly I'm just so tired.  Too tired to function.  The fatigue has always been worse than the pain for me.  I hurt, but the fatigue weighs me down so badly.

I've not felt this badly in quite some time.  That emotional spiral downward is terrible.  It takes such a toll on a person.  It plays games with you and tries to make you give up.

Well, I wont'.  I am as sick as I've been in such a long time, but I refuse to give up.  I will continue to smile as often as possible, take steps to improve, and learn to be much kinder to myself in this process.  I have begun hating who I am again and I must stop that.  I must be nice to me!  It does no good to dislike myself.  And it doesn't help anyone else either. 

I will still look for the hope in the midst.  In the midst of life.  We ALL have so many struggles.  I am not unique in that area.  I choose life.  I choose to live.  Right now I have to  take it very easy and be kind to me and my DH.  I choose to continue to trust God and know that even when I can't see or hear HIM, HE is with me.

That is where my hope comes from. 

So happy to have you all in my "midst"

Blessings,
Elaine

Surgery

I just wanted to let you know that I'm having my right knee replaced on Monday, Dec. 5th.  It has needed to be done for several years now and this is not the perfect time, but I am going to do it anyway.  The pain has gotten to the point I'm not moving around unless I must.  It hurts so bad all the time.  Coupled with my fibro and CFS I'm miserable. 

I would appreciate good thought and prayers.  It will be a challenging month ahead for us.  Rob is already concerned about his ability to care for me... I will need assistance for about 2 weeks to move from bed to wherever.... PT will start the day after surgery and last about 2 months or so, depending on how I do. 

I will come home Thurs or Fri if all goes well.  If not, I will go to a nursing facility for a bit before coming home.

It's a crazy, busy time to be down, but at least I will be getting it behind me.

Please pray for my brother who is most likely having surgery on Dec 8th to put an L-VAD in his heart.  Without it, he is in end stage heart failure.  Hoping and praying it will go well and that he will make it through fine.  I so want to be there with him.  He's in Salt Lake City at the transplant hospital.

Thanks so much for being so supportive and loving to me.  I have found such a comfort in your blogs.

God Bless and Merry Christmas to you all!

A new doctor

Well, I did it.  I found a new doc and have an apt next week to get to know her.  As I was calling around, the doc I have now was the name I was given over and over..... makes me wonder what I did to make her dislike me so much?  Oh well, water under the bridge and moving on!
I appreciate all your kind word of encouragement!  It means so much to me and keeps me going.

This week went by in a blur.  I slept the first part of it.  Then the sunshine came back and I sat in the sun and worked jigsaw puzzles:)  Lovely. 

 Then I got notified that I was a runner up in a contest I'd entered with an author I love.  Jane Kirkpatrick!  If you haven't read anything by her, look her up.  She's great.  I won her new book and three other authors new books!!!!!  So now I have some new reading material for the rainy days on the way:)  I seldom win anything so it was a real treat! 

Then someone close to us stopped by with coupons for dog food that will keep our dog fed for several months for FREE!  What a blessing that is!  He weighs nearly 100 lbs and is expensive to feed:)  Our little dog eats much less and is on a special diet as he's old....

My husband had three GOOD days in a row!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  That in itself is a huge blessing!!!!!  He worked outside and got some sun and got lots of "fall" things done too! 

Yesterday we had 6 of our 7 gkids for a few hours:):):)  Rob helped and it was nice so they could play outside and did.  Some played the WII and games on the computer and everyone took turns and shared!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I had a nice visit with my daughter in law and son in law when they picked up kids too!  I was exhausted and had a frozen dinner for supper:)  So did Rob. 

All in all, I'd say this was one of the best weeks we've had in a very long time.  One to tuck away and remember when things aren't going well....

God is good, all the time.  Even when life isn't!

Again, thanks for all your uplifting words!!!! 

Blessings to you all,
Elaine