Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Running in place

Running.  Spinning.  Racing from one place to another so fast I've lost where I was.  Planning, thinking, trying to decide.  Too many choices.  Too much to think about.  No time to stop.  Must not stop.  Keep running.  Keep moving. 

A body that sits so still it might be dead.  A mind that can't stop running. Is the mind compensating for the body?  Trying to do what the body can't?  Afraid to stop.  If the mind stops too, then what?  Does the body then die?  Must not stop thinking about everything.  Must not stop.

Exhaustion.  From what?  Not from moving this body.  From running another marathon today.  In my mind.  Can't stop thinking.  Must not stop.  Where will this end?

Know I must rest.  Know I must pray.  Know I must stop thinking and let this mind and body and soul truly rest.  So hard to do these days. 

Wondering why it's so hard right now?  So hard to stop and rest.  The running keeps me upright.  Keeps me alive.  Afraid the mind will leave if I stop. 

Fighting.  Angry.  So disappointed.  So tired of trying to hope.  So tired of believing I will be better.  Each time a new treatment comes around, the hope surges and I think, "is this the one for me"?  So tired of trying to live as though I'm well and failing.  So tired of being sick. 

Wishing and hoping for a new life.  For being well.  For having a body and mind that works like it should.  For being the wife, mom, gma, auntie, etc.... that I want to be.  For the shackles of illness to be gone. 

Wondering why?  Not why me, but why the big picture.  Why for all of us who suffer and are ill.  What is the purpose in this?  What will be accomplished by these illnesses?  Are we being shaped and molded into someone new?  Are we serving a need? 

I KNOW there are better days coming.  I have lived this before.  Hope and pray.  What I live by.  My hope in the midst is Jesus Christ.  My prayer is that He will be with me.  And HE is! 

I know that someday I will understand all this.  Someday I will be free from the pain, fatigue, frustration, and set free to live the life that was intended for me.  I know that in my heart and soul.  I know it.  I just have to be more patient and wait for it.  It may come while I'm still here on earth and it may not.  Either way, I will have that precious life.  I look forward to it with great anticipation and hope.  I am eager for it. 

Someday I will achieve those things I'm unable to do now.  I will tend to the children in Africa.  I will run and not be weary.  I will meet the needs of my family.  I will be able to do it all!!!!!

I hope and pray that you will find the same peace I've found.  Even when I struggle like today, I know in my heart it will all be well with my soul.  This body may fail me, but my spirit knows there is so much more than this to be had. 

There's a hymn called "It is well with my soul" and I can identify with it especially today.  My soul is well.  My body doesn't have to be when my soul is well.  I hang on to that and I revel in the Grace and Mercy shown to me each and every day.  I feel so blessed to know Jesus.

Praying that today is a good day for you.  Praying you will find peace and contentment where ever you are this day.  Praying God's blessings upon you.  Praying for peace for your soul.



  1. Elaine -

    What a perfect description of what we all go through! The way you used a staccato writing style with short sentences to mimic the racing of your mind was brilliant. I know just what you mean and feel that way myself sometimes.

    One of my closest friends was just diagnosed with MS and is going through exactly this right now. Her mind is racing, she can't seems that sleeplessness and anxiety just feed on each other in a vicious cycle.

    I am so glad that you have been able to find some peace for yourself. It's a great challenge.

    You are in my thoughts and prayers -


  2. Elaine, you paint such a vivid picture of that feeling of running in circles all the time. I can feel the relentless anxiety creeping through your words--oof. I'd never thought before of the mind racing as a way of compensating for all the things our bodies can't do, but it makes sense. It's like favoring a sore knee and then messing up the other one because it's having to do all the work.

    I'm so glad you have such a strong sense of peace underlying that stress--it's such a beautiful thing, and far more important in the long run than all the things that worry us "right now!!!" Thank you for sharing both sides of the coin with us!